About Me

Some of you know me from my old blog "Moving to Morocco" where I wrote about meeting my husband and, you guessed it, moving to Morocco. Well, we're back now, and I want to write about other things (but yes, we're still happily married). There's no real subject to this blog. I just want to write. If you have a subject you'd like my opinion on, just let me know. I also plan on doing advice posts. If you have something you'd like an outside opinion on, e-mail me anonymously at nicegirlatl@hotmail.com! Thanks for reading!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Invincible

I haven't written in a while. I haven't been able to. Since Valentines Day, things have been rough in my life. I've been spread way too thin, so something like finding a minute to write a thought was not doable. Things today are better and I want to take a few minutes to write about whats been going on.

A few weeks ago my mom was brought to the ER by ambulance for being unresponsive. I'd been to the ER for my moms complications from one thing or another dozens of times over the past few years. But this time when I saw her I freaked out. I cried. I don't cry when someones sick. Everyone around me has been sick and I've become accustomed too it. I'm the strong one, and when I cry about a sickness - it's serious. My mom seemed to have had a stroke. Unable to form words. Arm tensed up by her head. Looking to her right, unable to look left, and looking right past you as you spoke to her. As if you weren't even in the room. That is scary. Seeing your mom who told you your whole life what to do and how to do things, lying in a bed, unable to do anything. A few hours later she seemed to snap out of it. She was able to talk, able to look both ways, able to keep her arm down. She was still a bit confused, but she was there. After a surgery to unblock an artery, she was home and doing well a few days later. While she was in the hospital awaiting her surgery I told her,"Mom, you scared me this time, but I'm beginning to think you're invincible. As much as you've been through, you snap right back and keep on going"

Fast forward a few days and I got a call again, "Your mom's on the way to the ER by ambulance, she was unresponsive". I flew to the hospital to find her in the same exact room, but this time it seemed so much better. She was confused about some things, but able to talk and saying she just wanted to go home. I ran to her house to pick up her meds for the dr. and when I came back she was asleep. And she was convulsing. And her blood pressure was so low on the monitor that I made them do a manual one because I didn't believe it was actually possible to have a BP of 40/14. Apparently it is possible. She was taken to the ICU where she didn't wake up for a day. They called me to tell me they were intubating her. She required the vent to breathe for her 100% for a few days and was unable to compensate herself when they turned the oxygen down at all. There was basically no hope. They were talking tracheotomies and long term hospital care, when once again, she just snapped out of it the next day.

Today I was told by her dr. that he didn't expect her to live. To be quite honest, I wasn't surprised, because neither did I. I think this was the first time ever that I really expected to have to say goodbye to my mom. That thought really messed with me this past week. How could I say goodbye to MY mom. I mean..she's far from perfect. But she is really important to me. She has done so much for me and my family, that I can't even believe how giving she is. She is not without fault, but neither is anyone else. I love my mom and feel so bad for people that don't know her. She is a good person, a loving person, she's funny, and she's nice, and she'd provide a complete stranger with anything they needed. I've actually seen her do it before. She loves my children so much. And my children love her too. I often wonder why there is that bond. Grandmas are supposed to bake for the grand kids. And take them out to play, and buy them really cool gifts. And give them lots of candy when the parents don't. But since my moms been pretty much bedridden for the majority of Cain's life and all of Zayd's, she's been unable to do all that special "Grandma stuff". But my kids, without fail, EVERY SINGLE DAY ask if they can go see nanna. Most days Zayd throws a fit when I say no. They love their nanna so much.

Most young fit and healthy people could not stand what she's been through over the past 7 years. Physically or mentally. I'm a strong person, and I don't know if I could deal with it. I envy her for her will to go on. And I am so thankful that so far, she has been invincible.

I know one day I will inevitably have to say goodbye to her, but for now, while I have her, I am going to make sure that she knows just exactly how important she is in my life and the life of my husband and children. Please take this blog entry as a lesson that life is short. Don't wait to visit your mom or dad till tomorrow. Because there may not be a tomorrow. There may not be a next week. Even if only a call, make sure those that are important to you are well aware of it.

5 comments:

  1. Hi Nicole,
    I'm so sorry about your mom's health and I pray that she will be fine. Your story literally brought tears to my eyes because it sounds just like my situation with my mom. She suddenly became sick about 5 years ago and started having pain in her feet. Come to find out she had severe nerve damage from a certain denture cream she had been using for years. Now she is basically paralyzed from the chest down because of this. She's only 54 years old and was very active before all this happend, so as you can imagine it's very heart breaking to see that all she can do is go from her bed to the kitchen and back in her chair. Just like your children, mine is the same. My daughter is almost 9 years old and she would give up any activity just so she could sit on the bed with my mom all day and watch TV with her. I guess I can't say I know exactly what you are feeling but I stay stressed out all the time because I'm afraid one day I will find her dead because of the so many painkillers her doctors have her on. So anyways, I will keep you, your mother and the rest of your family in my prayers.
    Tammy

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  2. Tammy,

    Thanks for reading the blog. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. It is so hard to see someone we love suffer so much. I think it's great that your daughter shares that bond with her grandma like my kids do. I know that when I do have to say goodbye to her that those times she spent with my kids will be great memories.

    You said your mom is on many painkillers. If one of them is methadone I beg you to get her off of them. My mom's been on Methadone for 7 years and although she took the same dosage as normal, her condition (being unresponsive, stroke, heart attack, kidney failure, fluid filled lungs) were all a direct result of Methadone overdose. After research I've found out this is not uncommon. People who use Methadone for chronic pain, without changing dosage, can overdose. It's scary. I hope that your mom is as comfortable as possible and that she lives a long life.

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  3. She was on Methadone in the beginning and the doctor took her off it, but I believe the things he has her on now are probably doing as much damage. He has her on two different morphines, lyrica, lortab, and I don't know what else. It seems like I'm constantly going to the pharmacy for her. I really don't know how she can even function taking all of those but without them she's miserable. I feel like I'm stuck in a hard place. I wish I could take them all away from her but I don't want to see her in pain either.

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  4. My mom was on Lyrica too...they discontinued that as well...she will now be taking lortab and have a pain patch. Her doctor recommended that she take this stuff called natural joint....its an herbal pill that helps with joint pain. I haven't ordered that yet. All of these medicines are so damaging. They all come with side effects. The hospital doctor told me that these pain management clinics are all about pushing narcotics and benzos on people. I believe him because the pain management doctor said he did not believe that methadone was the problem. It's hard because you know they're in pain, which has to be treated, but at the same time you want them to be alive. I know you're scared, but you just have to stay as strong as you can for her.

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  5. Sorry ab out all you are going through. With the scare with Z and now this, you must really be stressed. positive thoughts your way

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