tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-55059974731632540952024-03-19T06:01:38.981-04:00Lets Talk for a MinuteNicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.comBlogger59125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-35885483557960135302013-04-14T13:16:00.000-04:002013-04-14T13:16:52.271-04:00Here We Go AgainTo those of you that know me, or even if you don't personally know me, but have read my blog in the past, you know that my oldest son has a heart condition. Last April he had his third open heart surgery to replace both his aortic valve and his pulmonary valve. Actually, they took his pulmonary valve and moved it to the aortic valve position, and they replaced his pulmonary valve with a donor valve. While performing the procedure, his surgeon saw that his pulmonary valve was bicuspid (has two leaflets instead of the three that a normal valve would have). Normally at this point, in this particular procedure, you'd abandon that procedure and move forward with another plan. Cain's surgeon felt like the valve was in good enough condition to be able to use it successfully. <br />
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After the surgery, my son did incredibly well with the healing. He was home a few days later, walking around, and stopped taking his pain pills. We thought that things were great until he went for his follow up a few weeks later where they found that both valves were partially obstructed. When I say obstructed, I don't mean there was something in there obstructing it, but the valves had thickened significantly so the blood was not flowing through at 100%. Also, we were told that the arrhythmia's that they expected to go away after surgery were still present. They felt that with time, they'd still go away, once his heart had healed and it was used to having fully functioning valves. We were told we'd continue to follow up every few weeks to keep an eye on it. <br /><br />A few appointments later and a few at home heart monitors later, they realized the arrhythmia's weren't going away and put him on a daily beta blocker. At the next appointment there was still no change so we increased the dosage, but even with that, there was no change. He was having an arrhythmia with every single heartbeat.<br /><br />Two weeks ago, I got a call from his cardiologist and he told me that at this point, if we do nothing these arrhythmia's will cause long term damage. He said they have to do another heart cath and cardiac ablation. (Cardiac ablation works by scarring or destroying tissue in your heart that triggers an abnormal heart rhythm. In some cases, ablation prevents abnormal electrical signals from traveling through your heart and thus stops the arrhythmia.).<br />
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I have high hopes of this working for my son. I cannot adequately explain what it feels like to see him struggle to breathe after minimal physical exertion. Walking up a flight of stairs leaves my 11 year old gasping for breath like someone who has been smoking for years. He cannot keep up with other kids physically and he cannot play sports, the one thing in life he REALLY desires. If this doesn't work, I have no idea what the next step is. I asked them not to tell me because now I am just owning that this will be the procedure to get him back to a healthy kid. I can't think about what ifs at this moment. <br /><br />Cain isn't scared at all. He never is. He always takes things as they come and he has a very positive outlook on life. He is such a trooper and although I HATE that he has to go through this and he has to miss out on activities due to his heart, I know that having a heart problem has taught him to be strong. Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-64342428630646446712013-03-25T23:06:00.000-04:002013-03-25T23:06:20.723-04:00Rest in Peace, Mom 6/18/44 - 3/3/13On March 3 my life changed forever. I lost my mom. The days since have been a blur. I've busied myself with tasks around the house, as if keeping busy would somehow speed up the grieving process, or make me forget, but it hasn't. There is no forgetting. There are moments where I don't cry, there have even been a few where I've laughed, but not a day goes by - hell not an hour goes by where I don't think about her. I think how I'll never hear her voice again. How I'll never see her smile again. How I'll never see the excitement in her eyes when I tell her something the kids have accomplished. I wonder if I was a good enough daughter, and I beat myself up that I didn't visit her more often, or how at times I'd be "too busy" to answer her call. I hate myself for taking her for granted, and at times I hate myself for wishing she was here, because in the end, I know she was miserable. She was in constant pain and was ready to die, yet she held on - I believe, for us. I feel selfish for wanting her to be in pain so I can have her here alive, rather than being at peace in heaven. I'm so sad my 4 year old will likely not remember her at all. I feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for my 11 year old because they were so close and I know he's struggling with the loss of her.<br /><br />On March 3 when I arrived at the hospital, my mom was in the bed, and didn't seem to know I was there. She was mumbling and looking at the ceiling. I was screaming at her to look at me. I kept saying, "mom, do you know who I am", "mom, can you hear me", "mom, answer me". All I understood through her mumbling was "the kids". I told her, "mom the kids are good, do you understand". She didn't acknowledge me at all. Finally, when they told me that they needed to ask me to step out so they could intubate her, I grabbed her face and made her look me in the eyes and I yelled, "MOM, I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU TO KNOW I LOVE YOU. I CAN'T GO UNTIL YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME". She looked me right in the eyes and said, "I LOVE YOU". That was the last thing my mother ever said. <br /><br />My entire family was at the hospital and the boys were able to hold their Nana's hand and tell her they love her, they kissed her and when you'd yell at her to squeeze their hand, she would. I know she knew we were all with her, even though she was on a lot of medicine and on the ventilator. I am so very thankful that my mom held on so that the boys could say goodbye. I hate that their last memory will be her in the hospital, but I am glad she was able to squeeze their hand to let them know she loved them. It was shortly after the boys said goodbye that she passed. It was traumatic for me and my sisters to see. It was the absolute worst day of my life. <br />
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The second worse day was the day we buried her, Wednesday, March 6. It was overcast and gray outside. It was freezing. On the drive from the funeral home to the cemetery, we had the Quran playing in the car and I remember saying to Zouhair that it was a perfectly sad day to bury my mom. The weather was gloomy and cold and matched my mood perfectly. Arriving at the graveside service, and seeing my nephews and my son carry her casket to the grave was almost more than I could take. The funeral itself is a blur. I was just looking from the casket to my kids to my husband in between my sobs. At one point I had to keep myself from running away. Shortly after the funeral my 11 year old broke down in tears and I felt like I couldn't even properly comfort him at the moment because I too was hurting so much. <br />
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The days that followed were no easier. Today, three weeks later, I'm still in shock my mom is gone. I go through my phone and see the times we talked. I think about how regardless of the pain she was in, she'd call on birthdays and holidays. She thought first of her kids and her grandkids. My mom was not perfect, but looking back, she'd help anyone, she'd think first of others, and she generally always had a smile on her face. She loved her kids and grandkids and wanted nothing but our happiness. She lived to see us thrive. Her life was not fair. As long as I remember she had a hard time and the past ten years were pure hell due to her health. How she managed as long as she did, I will never know. She was stronger than I am, and she was a great example at how to keep on keeping on. <br /><br />I choose to believe my mom is in heaven with her parents, her sister, and my brother. It's what keeps me going. I imagine her walking and dancing and being happy - for once, for herself. I don't know how heaven works exactly. I don't know if she sees us crying and suffering from missing her, but at times, I hope she doesn't. I want for her to be at peace and pain free. I want for her to be reunited with the son she lost so long ago. <br /><br />The daily reminders will continue. I imagine I'm going to lose it on Mothers Day and on her birthday and a hundred times in between. Hell I've lost it at work, at Wal-Mart, driving in my car, at the dinner table, waking up in the middle of the night. It almost seems like its getting worse most of the time. I don't think I'll ever "get over" her death. I realize that at 32, I will likely live longer without a mom than I did with one. I hope that one day though, I can think of her and smile instead of crumbling.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-63566113629171541642012-04-15T21:42:00.016-04:002012-04-24T23:18:13.879-04:00The Time Has Come...Well, almost. I am going to use this post to update throughout the surgery. One of the nurses from the OR is supposed to call every hour to hour and a half with updates. This surgery can last up to 12 hours, so there may be several posts throughout the day. I felt this was the easiest way to update everyone at once, as it will be difficult to call/text/email everyone every time, and I don't want to leave anyone out. I appreciate every single person that has shown concern for Cain. He is so very special and loved by many. The least I can do is let you know how he's progressing. You can bookmark this post and check back as you'd like.<br />
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<strong><u>April 16, 2012</u></strong><br />
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<strong>Update 1:</strong> We got on the road at 5am and arrived at 6. They took us back fairly quickly and asked all the usual questions: What time did you last eat? What time did you last drink? Any changes over the weekend in your health? At 6:35 everything was answered, so the nurse brought Cain two dosing cups of medicine.<br />
One to make him sleep, one to dry up bronchial secretions. The medicines were Pentobarbital, Demerol, and Atropine. Fifteen minutes later Cain said he was tired and rolled over to sleep. At 7:25 the anesthesiologist and one of the surgical nurses came in to tell us it was time. We gave him big hugs and kisses (although he was asleep) and they rolled him out of the room and over to the OR.<br />
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<strong>Update 2:</strong> 8:55am, they've just made the first incision and will have an update in about an hour. Not to be too graphic, but they'll be sawing his sternum and then opening the sternum and ribs to see the heart.I'm not positive, but I believe this is the point they'll put him on the heart-lung machine, so the surgeon can stop his heart to work on it. I hope that with the next update they'll be able to tell me whether they're going to be able to move forward with The Ross Procedure, or if he'll have to have the mechanical valve. Please pray hard that he doesn't have to get that mechanical valve.<br />
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<strong>Update 3: </strong>10:10am, Cain has just been placed on bypass. They do not know yet what procedure they're going to do. It may be another hour or hour and a half before they're able to make a decision.<br />
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<strong>Update 4: </strong>11:10am, Thank God, they are doing The Ross Procedure!!!<br />
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<strong>Update 5:</strong> 12:30pm, Wow! They have already moved the pulmonary valve to the aortic valve position and are currently working on attaching the homograft to the pulmonary valve position. I am so happy!<br />
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<strong>Update 6</strong>: 3:00pm. Spoke with the surgeon. He was actually surprised that not only is Cain's aortic valve bi-cuspid, but his pulmonary valve is as well, which is quite unusual. He said that the procedure went as well as they could expect. He isn't sure that the valve will last 50 years, but its working now. They are transferring him to the Cardiac ICU and we will be able to see him in an hour.<br />
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<strong>Update 7: </strong>We were able to go in and see Cain. He is currently on a ventilator and has an external pacemaker. His ICU nurse was great and explained everything to us. He has two large drainage tubes coming out of the bottom of his chest. They cut through the original incision scar so there will be no additional scarring there, however with the drainage tubes they had to make two additional incisions to the five he already has. He has a central line in his neck area, an IV in both arms and an arterial (I think that's what they called it, I am entirely too tired to google right now) IV in his wrist area. And some kind of line in his stomach so they can give medicines and monitor something or another. He also has a tube through his nose for suctioning and he has a catheter. When I saw Cain he was asleep but was opening his eyes a bit and was able to understand what was being asked. When the nurse said, "Cain your parents are here" he started turning his head to look for us and attempted to talk, which he couldn't because of the ventilator. That's where I lost it, I just couldn't keep it together any longer. He was given morphine and fell right back to sleep. <br />
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When we first arrived we asked the cardiologist in the ICU what was going on with the bicuspid pulmonary valve that is now in the aortic position. I wanted to know what it meant that it only had two leafs instead of three. The cardiologist told us, "honestly, it is so rare for a ross to be done with a bicuspid pulmonary valve, that I don't have an answer for you. I'm not even sure there is literature on it, so I will work to find out if there is any information I can give you, but for now it's working". The arrhythmia's are still there, which we were told to expect, however his heartbeat is irregular and they needed the external pacemaker to pace the heartbeat. His blood pressure is stable and his glucose is a little high, but he was given insulin to bring it down. I asked the nurse if she could just tell me, based on what she knows about the ross procedure, was Cain doing as well as other kids. She said he was doing great and that they expected him to be removed from the ventilator sometime in the morning. <br />
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For now, the hospital was gracious enough to offer me a room to sleep in so I could be here throughout the night. The room is tiny but it has a bed and I am so very tired. The ICU nurse will be sure to call me if there are any changes while I sleep. It's been an incredibly long day and although things went fairly good, there are new worries with this valve that also has a defect. I will try to rest a bit and spend a good portion of my time researching this situation. <br />
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Thanks for following us today and praying for cain. I will update tomorrow as I have new information.<br />
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<strong><u>April 17, 2012</u></strong><br />
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<strong>Update 8</strong>: I was able to see Cain last night around midnight (for the first time since 5:30). I'd kept calling after shift change, but the nurse told me Cain was very agitated. He was trying to get his breathing tube out with his tongue. His blood gas was too high (or too low, whichever is bad), and he was still retaining too much fluid. At midnight she called me to tell me they had taken the breathing tube out and I could come see him. I ran down there and he was awake. He smiled when he saw me and then started crying and said it hurts so bad every time I take a breath. The nurse went to get Morphine for him and I told Cain not to wait for me to say if he's in pain. That the nurse was there to help him and he needed to ask whenever he was uncomfortable. He said ok. Once the morphine kicked in he asked me if he could have his Edible Arrangement that his nanna told him he'd get, and he asked me where his quarters were for the vending machine, and he asked the nurse if he could walk to the teen room to play video games. Apparently he's hungry, but cannot yet eat. His nurse told him she'd have them bring a mobile video game cart to his bed in the morning. Cain wanted to hold hands with me and asked me to stay for a while. I stayed for a few hours until he was sleeping good and I got a few hours of sleep. It's now 7:30am and I've already been down to sign up to be present at morning rounds. I have questions about the valve that they used. Everything on the internet said you don't use a bicuspid pulmonary valve in the ross procedure. So, I'm uncertain why one of the best surgeons in the country did that. Obviously he has his reasons, but as of this moment I don't know why.<br />
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<strong>Update 9</strong>: I went to the doctors rounds, which was fine. I mean, it wouldn't have been a big deal to miss it. They said he was doing good, but continues to need the pacemaker for the time being. They are moving him out of the ICU and into a regular room in a few hours. I just used this opportunity to talk to Cain a little bit and give him a kiss before I got kicked out again. He's still in pain, which is to be expected, but he wasn't crying, just couldn't really move much and said it wasn't just his incision that hurt, he said his ribs hurt and generally his whole chest area. I didn't explain why, other than to tell him this was normal with open heart surgery. I will, hopefully, have a chance to talk to his surgeon tonight when he does rounds, as he was in surgery during this mornings rounds.<br />
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<strong>Update 10:</strong> At 10am my sister and I were able to go in and see Cain. I stopped to talk to the nurse while my sister went over to Cain. He told her he was in terrible pain. I went over and he was crying and moaning. He was having a hard time breathing due to the pain associated with it. He was very upset and couldn't calm himself down. The chest tube is quite large and is in between his lung and chest wall. The area gets irritated on both sides of the tube and it is painful. Even the Morphine was not helping. The nurse asked my sister to leave so they could get him more medicine and get him more comfortable. When she mentioned me leaving Cain grabbed my hand and his eyes got big. It is so hard to walk away from your child when you know they need and want you, and so hard at the same time to know that your staying there will not help in the littlest. I walked back to the waiting room while bawling my eyes out. This has been harder than I remember.<br />
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About 12 they moved him to a regular room in the Cardiac Unit. Cain was getting situated and was asking about food. We're not sure if he has a mosquito bite on his back or the morphine is making him itch, but he's constantly asking for me to scratch his back, which is difficult as he's laying on it. I do manage though, but shortly after arriving in the room while I was scratching his back, he said in a panicked voice, "mom, my armpit hurts, my armpit hurts, my armpit hurts" getting louder with each time it came out of his mouth until it turned into blood curdling screams. I ran and got the nurse and several nurses came in. He was demanding ice. I had to leave because I was <em>thisclose </em>to losing it with the head nurse who acted as if he was annoying her with his demand for ice. My sister stayed and my husband was just coming in. I stayed out for about 10 minutes and when I came back he was a bit more calm. The nurse practitioner told me that it was the pain from the chest tube that was radiating into his armpit and upper back area. They said it is very painful and their plan was just to give him pain medicine on schedule as opposed to waiting until he needed it. Every few minutes it would hurt again and he would cry in pain. It is incredibly hard to see him go through this and I would gladly take his place. No one should ever have see their kid like this.<br />
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<strong><u>April 18, 2012</u></strong><br />
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<strong>Update 11:</strong> Last night Zouhair stayed the night at the hospital so I could go home with Zayd and get some rest. Through the night Cain had several episodes of extreme pain, but with repositioning and ice, he's been able to get through them. They removed his large white bandage from the incision and its now just covered with <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steri-Strip" target="_blank">Steri-Strip's</a>. The incision looks really good and I'm certain that when it heals the scar will look fairly close to what it looked like prior to surgery. Cain's white blood count is a bit low, for now they're monitoring it to see if it will come up on his own, if not, he'll need a blood transfusion. He's had probably 100+ blood transfusions in his life, so this is no problem. They are going to put him on a morphine pump shortly, so that he will be able to push the button to administer morphine to himself as he needs it. He was able to stand up for a bit just to step on the scale and get his weight. He said his feet hurt which is normal, but they're insistent that he get up today to walk a bit. He's pretty hesitant to do that, I think he's afraid it will hurt too much, but I know he will at the very least, try. He is really being so brave and I am so inspired at the way he is handling himself.<br />
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<strong>Update 12: </strong>Updating has been hard. Today was another day with a lot of pain. Seeing Cain with pain so bad that he is scared to breathe or have anyone touch him is so hard. I feel so bad for him and so helpless when I know there is nothing I can do....or anyone can do for that matter. It is unfortunate, but the chest tubes hurt. They hurt adults, they hurt kids, but they're necessary. For the most part Cain says his incision is just sore, but it's the tubes that are making him scream out in agony. I am so thankful for my husband because when I don't know what to do other than cry for him, Zouhair is right there talking him through it and picking him up to reposition him. At one point this afternoon they finally hooked him up to a morphine pump which helped a good bit. We had to remind Cain several times to push the button, but its kept him comfortable since they attached it. Cain has been able to eat a bit, but mostly he just picks here and there. Cain was able to move over to a chair today where he sat for almost an hour before needing to go back to bed. He is making progress. <br />
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I spoke with the surgeon about his choice to use a bicuspid pulmonary valve when everything I read on the internet says you should abandon the ross procedure if you find the pulmonary valve to be bicuspid. He explained to me that he was born with that valve being bicuspid and after several hundred <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Echocardiography" target="_blank">echo's</a> no one knew it was bicuspid because it performed properly. He did a pre-op echo and and echo in the operating room and there was no indication it was bicuspid. When he opened Cain and saw the valve, he made the decision to go forward with using it because if it performed properly on the pulmonary side, he felt it would work properly on the aortic side. While he does admit it will probably not last as long as a valve that had 3 leaflets, it was still a better option than a mechanical valve. He estimates it could last 20 -25 years. Today he came in and said my questions prompted him to do some research last night and he said that in 1996 he did this same procedure, with a bicuspid pulmonary valve on a 5 year old girl. She just had a clinic visit in January and the valve is still working perfectly fine. That reassured me. I knew he had a good reason for doing it, I just needed to know what that reason was. <br />
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<strong><u>April 19, 2012</u></strong><br />
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<strong>Update 13: </strong>Last night Cain was having some issues with his stomach hurting. I talked with Zouhair around 9 and Cain was in the background moaning. They gave him some medicine, but it didn't really work. Cain had some visitors yesterday and they had him up walking a bit, so he was exhausted. He did get some sleep last night though. This morning at around 6 they took him down for xrays. He was able to get out of bed and into a wheelchair for that. Around 10am he had to get on the scale for his weight 53.3 kilos (117.5 lbs). The physical therapist came in just after that and said she'd take him for a walk at around 11:45. My sister and I got Cain out of bed and into a chair so that he'd be ready for the walk. At 12:25 she was still not here so we asked the nurse to get her. When she came in it took all 3 off us about 15 minutes to get all of his cords untangled enough for him to walk. He stood up using the wheelchair as a walker and then walked about 4 feet one way and 4 feet back. We got him in bed and he was ready to sleep. That 8 foot walk had made him break a sweat and he was out of breath. He did really well, but it's physically and mentally exhausting for Cain to get up and do anything. Even scooting in the bed is basically impossible for him without the help of Zouhair or two nurses. He is weak and tired and drugged up and in pain. <br />
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Cain has two chest tubes that come down into a Y and drain into one machine that measures the drainage. Since the tubes are the main cause of pain, the doctor thought it'd be a good idea for each individual tube to be drained into its own receptacle, so if one wasn't draining, it could be removed. Three nurses came in to change the way the tubes drained. This doesn't hurt as they're not really doing anything at the incision site, but even being extremely careful there was some level of pressure that was being applied to the incision site with the tugging to reroute the drainage. Cain was in a good bit of pain, but he handled it well. As of now they said they're both still draining, but not a lot. The chest tubes may be able to get removed tomorrow....both of them. They said that usually once the chest tubes are removed kids bounce back right away. We'll see. <br />
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I took a CPR class (which was required). I took one 10 years ago but CPR changes so frequently, they want to be sure the parents know what they're doing. I needed the class anyway, I couldn't remember what to do from 10 years ago, and back then I learned on a baby dummy. Cains no longer a baby, so I learned on the adult dummy this time. CPR is really hard, physically....and emotionally. You just sit in that room praying that you never have a need for it. The girl sitting next to me had an 11 day old daughter, the woman across from me had a 3 week old daughter, and the woman next to her was the grandmother of a 2 week old baby. On the way back to the room after the class the grandmother asked me about Cain. I told her he had aortic stenosis, and was diagnosed at 2 weeks. She told me her granddaughter had aortic stenosis and they'd just done the balloon valvuoplasty and it was leaking really bad. I told her that's how cain started out and that if they were talking about replacing the valve, not to be too scared. Yes, it will be hard, but you can live a long life on that new little valve. I told her if she needed to talk she knew where to find me, and that if her daughter wanted to see how big that little baby could get on that valve, she was more than welcome to come meet Cain. The woman started crying and grabbed me and hugged me. She said that it was destiny that she met me because they're just so scared about this process. <br />
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Zouhair brought Zayd up to see Cain today. I thought Zayd might be scared to see Cain but he's not. Cain is kind of in a mood today, which is to be expected. I think he just wants us to be quiet so he can rest. The last two days have been hard for him to rest and I think if he could have anything in the world right now, it'd be some sleep. Unfortunately the hospital is really the last place in the world you get to sleep. Hopefully he'll be home in a few days and we'll be able to keep it quiet so he can rest. <br />
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<strong><u>April 20, 2012</u></strong><br />
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<strong>Update 14:</strong> Yesterday mid-afternoon they turned the pacemaker off so they could watch how his heart performed without it. As expected, the arrhythmia's are still present, but hopefully in time Cain's heart will get used to the new valve working and the arrhythmia's will stop. They had the pacemaker set to start if there was an emergency, but luckily it never needed to start working. First thing this morning the surgeon came in and said that Cain's tubes had stopped draining and they could come out. Around noon they came in to explain to Cain what was going to happen. They would cut the stitches that were holding in both the drainage tubes and the pacemaker wires. The doctor would apply pressure to his stomach where the tubes entered the skin and they would quickly pull them out, then tie the remaining stitches to close the hole. They gave Cain a large dose of both morphine and versed. He was very anxious about the procedure although they explained there would be some pressure and a bit of a pinching feeling. Although the procedure went quickly, it was very traumatic. Cain's nerves got the best of him and he was hyperventilating and very upset. No matter how many times you tell him to look at you and not what they're doing, he likes to watch. I understand wanting to know what's going on with you, but at the same time seeing it often makes it worse. There was a good amount of blood and it was very scary for him. Once the tubes were out, it took about 25 minutes for him to finally calm down. He held onto my hand the entire time - from just before the removal to the 25 minutes afterward. It made me feel good that he wanted to hold my hand, I felt for the first time that I actually may be comforting him. The doctor and the nurses have repeatedly told me "once the tubes come out he'll be a completely different person". Although I trust them, I highly doubted that Cain would go from miserable to "fine". After the tubes were out he had to have an echo and his vitals taken every 15 minutes for the first hour, every 30 minutes for the second hour, and then once an hour after that. He also had to have a chest x-ray. All of the tests looked really good, and at 6:00pm today, Cain was released from the hospital! As I mentioned, I was not convinced that Cain would be ready to go home. I found it hard to believe that he'd be ready to, when just 7 hours earlier he was miserable, however, I am here to report that Cain is doing GREAT! Not only did Cain go home today, he opted to walk out of the hospital instead of being wheeled out. He walked from his room all the way to the front of the hospital where Zouhair was waiting to pick him up. We are now home with a few prescriptions (very few, in fact), and Cain is laying in his bed watching TV. At 8:30 he was able to have his pain medicine, but he told me that he didn't need it and would like to wait until later. I am blown away at the strength that this 10 year old has. Just 5 days ago he was in surgery and in the ICU on a ventilator, and today he's walking and turning down pain medication. I am incredibly inspired by this young man, and I'm certain that no matter how many times I tell him just how proud of him that I am, he will never be able to fully grasp just how much I mean it.<br />
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<strong><u>April 21, 2012</u></strong><br />
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<strong>Update 15:</strong> Cain's first night at home was ok. At around 9:30 he asked for his pain medicine. He fell asleep around 11:00, but was up about every 45 minutes. At 3:15am he asked for more pain medicine. He got up for the day around 7:00am and although he didn't sleep much last night, he's stayed up all day. He's done a good amount of walking today, mostly from bed to the bathroom as he's on lasix, a water pill used to release unneeded fluid/water from the body.<br />
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Upon leaving the hospital, the physical therapist suggested that we set up a bed in our living room as all of our bedrooms are upstairs and she felt as if Cain should wait a few days before attempting to go up the stairs. Our lower level has a bathroom, but not a shower, and since Cain has not had a proper shower since last Sunday, and the incision needs to be washed everyday, I asked him if he thought he'd be able to make it upstairs. He said he'd try. It took us a while, but he made it upstairs. He needed to sit down once we got there, as he was out of breath, so he took a break while I got things ready. <br />
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He was able to shower and I changed the bandages on the chest tube incisions. They look really good and seem to be healing well. There is very little fluid draining from them and with the bandage changing we were able to get the sticky tape patches off that were left all over his chest, stomach, and sides. After a bit of a rest upstairs we slowly made it back downstairs where Cain was able to lay in bed and rest. He said he felt so much better after the shower and felt like he'd be able to sleep good tonight. He's not needed his pain pills every 4 hours, but about every 5 to 6 hours he's asking for them. He's doing incredibly well and is trying to do more for himself than I feel comfortable with. He says its because he feels bad that I'm doing so much for him and have to get up every 2 seconds. I keep reassuring him that I want to help him so he can recover and this is what any mom would do and to never feel bad about it. He's such a sweet kid. <br />
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<strong><u>April 24, 2012</u></strong><br />
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<strong>Update 16:</strong> Yesterday (Monday) was my first day back at work. Zouhair was home with the kids and everything was fine. Cain had been getting around over the weekend pretty well. He was able to make it upstairs for showering again. While changing the bandages over the tube incisions we could see that they were barely draining and healing well. He was eating ok and taking the pain medicine less often. I continued to sleep downstairs with Cain and each night he was waking up every few hours with stomach and/or chest pain. It was a long weekend.<br />
Around 1:30 yesterday Zouhair called me at work to tell me Cain had some type of a rash on his chest, neck, and stomach. He said they looked like little goosebumps, but were red and very itchy. Cain was miserable. I called the surgeons office and the nurse practitioner told me it may be a reaction to the tape, although I had removed the sticky leftovers from the iv's and heart monitor/EKG/Echo stickers on Saturday. She advised me to give him a dose of benadryl and that this should stop the itching. I arrived home around 5 and gave him the Benadryl. At 7:30 he asked if he could have more as he was just really itchy still. Obviously he couldn't have it that soon, so I took him to the kitchen to inspect the rash again. By this time it had turned into hives...big puffy patches of raised red bumps. I also noticed that at the top of his sternum, the large lump (it looks like a ping pong ball under his skin and is normal after open heart surgery) had turned red and was hot to the touch. He laid on the bed and I saw his nostrils begin to flare out when he was breathing. I got nervous and at 9:00 I called the heart center and they told me they'd page the on-call Dr. 58 minutes later I'd still not received a call back and when I tried calling again the answering service kept me on hold for 20 minutes. I just decided at that point to take him to the local hospital. <br /><br />The hospital closest to me is about 3 miles away. Although they don't specialize in pediatrics or heart surgery for that matter, I was unconcerned about the function of his heart and more concerned with the reaction his skin was having and the possible infection at the incision. I figured they could handle this, however, when we got there the nurse advised us "he needs to be seen, but not here, they will take better care of him somewhere else". I was surprised, but then decided to drive to the children's hospital 45 minutes away....until we got on the interstate and Cain began to have trouble breathing and seemed to be losing consciousness in the car. I immediately took him to the closest hospital, which was the hospital he was born at. I signed him in and they took him right back. They got him on monitors, put in an IV, took chest x-rays, ran blood and urine tests and then the doctor told me she was nervous with his heart rate, blood pressure, and the arrhythmia's. I told her his numbers looked "normal" for him. She said the rash didn't look like a normal allergic reaction and she'd contacted the surgeon. He told her to have Cain transported to the children's hospital. Forty minutes later the Children's ambulance arrived and took Cain to be readmitted. <br />
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I followed behind and we arrived around 3am. Cain was given Benadryl and had more blood drawn and had an EKG. The doctor came in and told me everything looked normal, even the bulge in the sternum. Twenty minutes later the nurse asked me if the doctor talked to me about everything. I said yes, he told me everything was fine. She said, so did he tell you they may have to reopen the incision in the morning to inspect and clean it. I said, nooooo, he said everything looked normal. She told me that is not normal and it was concerning. They'd be running more tests. Person after person came in doing test after test. In the morning the surgeons assistant came in to remove the steri-strips over the incision and she couldn't believe that the skin was raised and red in the perfect shape of every strip of tape. He was apparently having a bad reaction to all types of adhesive. He's never had a reaction before, even when he had the heart cath a few weeks ago. The surgeon came in a few minutes later and said that although the lump on his sternum did look concerning, none of the bloodwork showed any sign of infection. He said the swelling is very normal and likely, the redness was just from the tape. He told me Cain could go home. Keep taking Benadryl and put on a topical cortisone cream. Around 2pm Cain was released and we headed home. <br /><br />Upon returning home both Cain and I slept for several hours. Both he and I have not slept more than 2 to 3 hours a day for almost a week. He has been through so much this week, and I really could not be more happy with his progress. Obviously, the rash was something we'd rather not happen, but it is something that is manageable. I am owning that there will be no more problems from here on out. We have a checkup with the Cardiologist next week and we're anticipating that to go great!<br /><br />
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</div>Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-11323013033811247062012-04-14T15:59:00.000-04:002012-04-14T15:59:35.581-04:00Pre-OpYesterday, Friday the 13th, was pre-op day. I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen other than bloodwork. Upon arrival they told us we'd be there all day. Just how long is all day, we asked. The nurse said, "ALL DAY".<br />
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We began by Cain getting weighed and measured. Then we were sent off with a folder and directions on how to find all of the places we needed to go. First was bloodwork where they took 4 vials of blood. Cain has not had blood drawn since he was a baby. He did good, but told me that it hurt. "I know it hurts baby, but its a necessity. It will be over in just a second. You're doing great Cain". I rubbed his back as she finished up and we headed over to X-ray. They took a few pics and we went back to the pre-op clinic. <br />
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We met a lot of people who had a lot of information for us. The anesthesiologist came in to explain to us just how he'd get Cain to sleep. The nurse practitioner came in to ask a million questions, to answer a few questions and to give Cain a physical. The surgeons nurse came in to talk to us a bit about the procedure and then the surgeon came in to talk to us about the surgery and his plan. He let us know that due to Cain having two prior surgeries, there may be a lot of scar tissue which may make it impossible for him to do the procedure that everyone feels is best for Cain. The Ross Procedure. <br />
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The Ross Procedure, in summary, is when they take the pulmonary valve and put it in the aortic valve's position and they put a homograft (a human donor valve) in the pulmonary valve position. Cain's current aortic valve is a homograft and due to this, he is not a candidate to receive another homograft in the aortic valve position. In the event there is too much scar tissue to perform The Ross Procedure, we have to decide what alternative to choose. There are positives and negatives to each option and we have a very short time to decide. The surgeon said he couldn't really medically make that decision for us, as they're both good options, but depend more on how we feel they'd work out for Cain in the long run. Lifelong medicine or re-operation in 10 years. We are praying that he is able to proceed with the initial plan and we wont have to make that decision on the backup plan.<br />
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After the surgeon left it was off to get an echo-cardiogram, which is essentially an ultrasound of the heart. These are a little uncomfortable for Cain because they do tend to press a bit hard and have to take images from different views....from just above his collarbone, below is ribcage and then of course, on his chest. They generally take about 20 - 30 minutes. Cain did well with this too and when this was done it was back to the pre-op clinic.<br />
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The ICU Cardiologist came in to talk to us about a study that they're doing regarding glucose levels after cardiac surgery and asked if Cain could be part of the study. There was absolutely no possible adverse effects to him being a part of it, and the thought that this information may be able to help Cain in the future made his participation a no-brainer. We signed those forms and then a Child Life Specialist came in to talk to Cain specifically about what was going to happen.<br />
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She brought a binder with pictures of the OR and the ICU. She also had pictures of the machines and explained what they do. She had a mask with her to show Cain what it looked like and she had a diagram of the heart so she could point out exactly where the valves were that everyone kept talking about. There was also a doll that had bandages on his chest and IV's in his arms and a drainage tube so Cain could know what his chest will look like when he wakes up. I think this really helped Cain to feel like he had a grasp of what was going on.<br />
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The final part of our day was when we had to sign the surgery consent forms. This required the speech of all of the risks that could, but likely won't happen. The list is one I don't want to go over here. Or anywhere. Or even fathom that can happen. Obviously we all know there is risk in surgery. Lets just leave it at that. I signed the forms, we got the instructions on when to arrive, how to wash Cain before arriving, what kind of things to bring, and we were released.<br />
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Seven hours of constant reminder over and over of what, in detail, is going to happen before, during, and after surgery, is rough. Communication is great. Keeping us informed is wonderful. But that thought running through the back of your mind that this is REALLY happening, is hard. I spent the majority of my day with a lump in my throat and when I went downstairs to get coffee, I cried in the elevator. He's 10, but he's my baby and I know I have to be strong, but this is difficult. I have supportive friends and family and I appreciate that so much. I have this son who is so strong, he's not even worried about the surgery. Yet sometimes I still feel that lump and the tears coming. I know what is coming, but a part of me feels like knowing is even worse than being surprised.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-18889068596424825982012-04-08T20:46:00.000-04:002012-04-08T20:46:13.241-04:00The Day I've Dreaded For 10 Years.....Ten and a half years ago on November 24, 2001, I was blessed with a beautiful and healthy baby, Cain. For two weeks I had what I assume is a very normal newborn. Sleepy and cuddly and cute. Two weeks after his birth my world was turned upside down when at his two week well check the doctor heard a heart murmur. She assured me many kids have murmur's so I shouldn't worry, but she wanted a cardiologist to check it out, just in case. She said she'd get me the info and be back in a moment. She came back and handed me the card with the name, address, and phone number of a pediatric cardiologist. I told her I would call and make an appointment when I got home. She said, no, I've already called and they're expecting you now. Right then my heart dropped. I knew it wasn't as unconcerning as she led me to believe. Even at 20, I knew you didn't get an immediate appointment with a pediatric cardiologist if it was "likely something he'll grow out of". I drove the the office in Atlanta and that is the day I was told that he was born with a congenital heart defect: Severe Aortic Stenosis. <br />
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I remember that day as clear as if it were yesterday. He came in and explained what was going on with his Aortic Valve and let me know that he would schedule Cain for a balloon valvuloplasty, where they would put a balloon into his aortic valve and blow it up in an attempt to stretch it out. This was an outpatient procedure and would hopefully solve the problem. A few days later he had the procedure and all seemed to go fine. We were discharged thinking there would be no other problems. One hour at home and Cain got a high fever. We were told to come to the ER and from there Cain was admitted. A few days later Cain got an aortic aneurysm and was taken in for emergency open heart surgery to repair the aneurysm. The surgery went well but Cain developed an infection in his blood and endocarditis, which is infection of the inside lining of the heart chambers and heart valves (endocardium) along with pericarditis, which is an infection of the protective lining that surrounds the heart (pericardium). Then his lung collapsed....<br />
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Two weeks after the first surgery, he got another aortic aneurysm. He was taken in for emergency open heart surgery to replace the aortic valve. The doctor told me if we didn't do the surgery immediately he would die. If he did the surgery he would likely die due to the infection in his heart. Infected tissue will not hold a stitch and without stitches, he would bleed to death. But he had to try. I was completely heartbroken at the thought of losing Cain, but after research about the surgeon, I knew that if anyone could save his life, it was him. I handed my baby over and 8 hours later I got the call that the surgery went good but to prepare myself to see him as he was bloated to twice the size he was normally and they were unable to close his chest. His skin was covered in a rash from the blend of medicines he'd been on and he was intubated and had wires and tubes coming from everywhere. I wanted to go see him but I was scared to go see him as well. I remember having to talk myself into it. It was terribly hard to see him like that. Tubes coming from everywhere. A cut down his chest, 5 drainage tubes under the incision across his belly, iv's, breathing tubes. I don't have a great memory, but that moment, walking through the double doors and seeing him for the first time after the surgery is ingrained in my memory forever. <br />
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The following months were hard and we dealt with his central line coming out and him losing most of his blood, a bout of RSV which required him to be in isolation in the hospital for a couple of weeks. Medicine and more medicine. Doctors visits and more doctors visits. But regardless of the medical needs Cain had, he was a joy. He was a happy baby that went through so much, yet thrived. He sat up early on his own, he ate so much food and he was just so smart. When he turned one year old I remember feeling for the first time like it was going to be ok. The rough part was over.<br />
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For the next 9 years Cain lived as normal of a life as possible. His doctor allowed him to play some sports, he played with his friends as normal and he excelled in school. After he was 3, our biannual visits to the cardiologist turned into annual visits, as he was doing so well. In the back of my mind I knew there was an impending surgery. I knew one day it would come, but even considering that I was expecting it someday, didn't prepare me for the day we were told "it's time". <br />
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So, here it is, "time" and I have a lot of emotions. Happy that this surgery will fix the problem for many years, if not forever. Scared about such a big surgery. Heartbroken for Cain that he is going to miss out on some things that are important to him at the moment. And most of all confused because although we've been through all of this before, I've not been through this with a young man or dealt with the emotions of a 10 year old that's been told they have to have this huge thing happen right away. Cain obviously doesn't remember all he has been through and so although we've been down this road before, the scenery seems so different now.<br />
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Even while there is uncertainty, I am confident in a few things.... I know Cains heart will be operated on by one of the best pediatric cardiothoracic surgeons in the country and I know I have an amazingly strong son that will also come through this surgery and thrive. He will have a long, happy, healthy, and beautiful life, and for that I am so very thankful.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-87061042919140570742012-03-22T22:18:00.001-04:002012-03-22T22:36:21.215-04:00An Unbelievable CoincidenceAs many of you know, my husband is from Morocco. I moved there a few years back so that we could be together before moving to the US together. I remember on my first visit to Morocco I was so captivated by....everything. The buildings, the billboards, the radio stations, the food, the people. Everything was new and exciting and beautiful and I remember having my camera on me at all times. I would take pictures of everything, but especially the people. I was in awe of everything about them. I would take pictures of women who tied their babies on their backs with pieces of cloth. Women who would carry things on their heads. Old people with their makeshift hand pedal wheelchairs. <br />
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Over the past few years I've made a few girlfriends that were also Americans married to Moroccans. We're scattered all over the world, but we are in a private group on Facebook. There are just a few of us and we have become very good friends. We share everything from funny stories about our day, to our medical problems, to issues with the world - and everything in between. Often times we will randomly post pictures of our travels to Morocco. <br />
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Today the admin of the group changed our cover photo to a really pretty picture of a woman standing on the side of the road she had taken while visiting Morocco. The woman was in a blue dress and was wearing a blue head scarf. She was standing in front of a white building with a blue/green door and the sky was in the background. It was a beautiful picture, but there was something familiar about the woman. I stared at the picture for a few minutes in disbelief before finally asking her where she took it. She said she took it in the town I used to live in in Morocco. I could not believe it, but the woman in the picture was my mother in law. I wanted to be 100% sure so I showed the picture to my husband. He laughed and said "Wow, that IS my mom". <br />
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How amazing is it that this girl I have never met in real life happened to (unknowingly) cross paths with my mother in law in a foreign country of 32 million people, randomly take her picture while driving by in a car, and post it in our tiny little group of girls. It's a small world after all.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-21070435362015267452012-03-07T19:17:00.000-05:002012-03-07T19:17:06.546-05:00I'm baaaaack!!Well the foot injury took longer to heal than expected, but since this past weekend I've been back to exercising. I have been going to the gym, but I am starting insanity tonight, which is perfect timing, as a few girls and I have started our version of "The Biggest Loser". We have 8 weeks, with weekly weigh ins and will base the winners each week on percentage of weight lost. I am so very excited that I have several other women who are as invested in their health as I am. We're keeping each other motivated, and it's not all kumbaya....we're definitely in it to win it, and phrases like "don't be sad when I kick your ass at this" have been thrown around more than once! I know that we're all very determined to get our weight in check, and it's really fun to have other people focused on the same goals as you are....the competition aspect isn't hurting any of us either!<br />
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I am very excited because I believe wholeheartedly that in the next 7.5 weeks I can get into the 140's. I'm holding myself to that goal. I cannot remember ever seeing 149 on the scale....maybe in elementary school? Who knows how long it's been, but I can say with full confidence that I WILL get there, and I will get there by the end of this competition. Along with the lower numbers on the scale, I am looking forward to seeing definition. I have muscles; they're just covered in a layer of fat. This is where Insanity is going to help, I know its going to change my body. I'm dreaming of the day my stomach is flat! Actually, I'm not just dreaming, I'm OWNING that it will happen. <br />
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I just want to say that I have full confidence that any of you who want to lose weight - can. And I want everyone to know that if you ever need any support from me, I will be here for you. Often times weight loss is overwhelming. I will never tell you it's been easy, but I will tell you it's been worth it, and it's been most helpful to have people who can identify with what I'm going through. The girls in this competition with me, they're helping me more than they know, and I'm happy to pass along that support and motivation to anyone that needs it.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-84395489867412355552012-02-15T19:30:00.000-05:002012-02-15T19:30:57.548-05:00Insanity's on hold for the momentSunday night as I was coming downstairs, my sock slipped and I FELL down the stairs! I wasn't hurt terribly bad, but when I landed my heel hit the hardwood floor and I've been hobbling around ever since. I've not been able to put pressure on the foot, so exercising is definitely out of the question. My foot is feeling less terrible everyday, so I'm hoping by the end of the week I will be able to get back into Insanity. I've been watching what I eat, but without exercise I feel like I'm gaining. I'm not even thinking about stepping on the scale. I think I'm going to hold off for a few weeks until I've been back in the swing for a bit. <br />
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It's very frustrating to not be able to exercise, but I know if I do high impact moves on this foot then I may injure it worse than it is now. I've been at this for a long time, and along the way I've met a group of girls that are also struggling to lose weight. It's nice having the support of people that understand just how hard it is to get it off. Everyday I am thankful that I've found the strength of friends and the strength inside of myself to continue on this journey, no matter what obsticles I need to overcome.<br />
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On a side note, I've almost gotten rid of every piece of clothing that is too big. Keeping them around just means I may fit back into them one day, and I am not ever going to let that happen. My sister was kind enough to let me go shopping in her closet for all of the clothes that no longer fit her either, as she's lost weight and is a svelte size 5/6 now. I have lots of new beautiful clothes that I didn't have to pay for! Along with the clothes that fit me now, she gave me several things that are a size or two too small so I dedicated a closet in my house to my "goal clothes". Keeping clothes that are too small is fully acceptable, it gives me something to work toward. <br />
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I don't know at this point just how much weight I still need to lose. It could be 10 pounds, 20 pounds, or 30 pounds. I often wonder if when I get to the right weight I will realize it. Right now, I look in the mirror and still see a fat girl. Lets not kid, I am still fat. Not obese, but overweight. I hope that one day when I get to where I'm supposed to be, I'll be satisfied and happy with myself. That really doesn't have much to do with my physical self...I think I need to start working on my ability to recognize and accept that I'm beautiful (and NOT fat). It's been a long road....over a year, and I don't anticipate this road coming to an end anytime soon. This is my journey, as bumpy as its been, and as bumpy as it continues to be, I am looking forward to finally being completely happy with my physical self, regardless of how long it takes.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-32322186025807792392012-02-05T21:07:00.001-05:002012-02-05T23:43:45.501-05:00Recommitting for the New YearWow, I haven't written since October. Life has been in the way of writing, but I really do want to make an effort to make writing a part of my weekly routine. Again I've just been working and dealing with the family stuff and time gets away from me. I did want to make some time to write a post about my weight loss progress. Since the last time I wrote, I've only lost 5 lbs. For the most part I've just maintained which is a feat in itself as the holidays are all about food! I managed through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my 31st birthday without gaining. I am still in a size 10 and I am now 154 pounds. <br />
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Here is a progress pic. On the left I'd already lost about 15 lbs. On the right, the day I fit into a size 10 at 159:<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2nlWVZ9pVJVHa1VsEjUDbOYA1msZK3BbItv5jVEKgP8mnTPVgIdXKdE05QMPC3fvOR68vkYgveJm8zyRR19hUWVoAijExmK1yr1OueyUl7PMErlUJ783miFLCM9XG5JDIIoYCH8MdEIc/s1600/Progress+Oct+9+2011.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="312" sda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2nlWVZ9pVJVHa1VsEjUDbOYA1msZK3BbItv5jVEKgP8mnTPVgIdXKdE05QMPC3fvOR68vkYgveJm8zyRR19hUWVoAijExmK1yr1OueyUl7PMErlUJ783miFLCM9XG5JDIIoYCH8MdEIc/s320/Progress+Oct+9+2011.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I have now been living a healthy lifestyle for 13 months. I am much happier and much healthier, although, I am not even close to where I want to be physically. For my new years resolution, I decided to recommit to my exercise routine, which I have totally slacked on lately. It's been hard to find time to get to the gym and I haven't had any real motivation to workout at home either. I did find time this week to hit the gym, however, even when I'm at the gym I feel like I'm not getting the workout I need. It's hard to workout on my own when I really don't know how much I should be working out. I can spend two hours a day at the gym, but I'm not seeing the results I think I should, which leads me to believe I'm not working out effectively. </div><br />
After some research, I decided to continue going to the gym, but to add another workout along with the gym. I purchased the Insanity workout system today. It's a high intensity 60 day workout program. It's by the same makers of P90X, but even harder. I'd seen the infomercials and did a lot of research and realized one thing. It would be impossible for this plan to NOT work, unless I just didn't put in the effort. I know I'm probably not as fit as you should be to start a workout regimen like this one, but I can accomplish anything I choose to. I know I can do this. I took the fitness test portion of insanity today and I got a little more than half way through it before I felt like I was going to pass out and/or throw up. I know it sounds weird, but that's the kind of workout I need. It's the kind of workout I know is pushing me. Its the kind of workout that will produce results. <br />
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I took pictures today since it was day 1 of the 60 day challenge. I was mortified at how I look in those pics. Yes, I've lost a lot of weight. Yes, I am much smaller than I was. But I am incredibly jiggly and majority fat. I am so focused on making sure that I can take a picture and feel happy. I want to walk without my thighs wiggling. I want to wave without the flab on my arm flapping around. I am determined to get this weight off and I am sure I'm going to be frustrated and sore and tired, but really, in retrospect, every tear I've shed, every sore muscle I've had, every time I've skipped cake, cookies, or fried food, has been worth it. Nothing feels as good as setting your mind to a goal and obtaining it. Right now my goal is in my mind and I will stick to it. I will complete this 60 days of intense exercise. I will get this jiggly butt under control!!!!!!Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-55040310739900164862011-10-11T21:18:00.000-04:002011-10-11T21:18:30.904-04:00Weight Loss UpdateI can't believe it's been over 2 months since the last time I wrote. Life has gotten busy with starting a new job and having two kids and a husband, but I wanted to take a little time to update on my weight loss. <br />
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As of today, I've lost 55 pounds...and somewhere over 60 inches. Over 60 inches could be 61 or 72, I'm not sure as I haven't measured in several weeks but the last time I did I had lost 60 and I am smaller now. You cannot imagine just how much better I feel physically and how strong I feel emotionally. One of the hardest things I've ever done in my life is setting a goal to lose weight and sticking to it. Accomplishing something so difficult has made me feel amazing. I feel proud of myself and I feel like I can take on anything. I'm not done yet, but I am almost there. I KNOW I will get there now. I got through the toughest part of it and I've made it this far, there is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that I will hit the finish line and be completely happy with my body one day soon. <br />
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Many people have asked me how I lost the weight. I want to let everyone know here how it all worked.....the very first thing is you have to be READY to lose weight. Be ready to make a LIFE CHANGE. Be ready to commit yourself wholly to something that is hard and requires time and effort every.single.day. I will not pretend that this was easy, however, I will tell you that the sacrifices I've made over the past 9 months have been completely worth it. Every day I worked out when I was too damn tired to, was worth it. Every piece of birthday cake I didn't eat was hard at the time, but is barely even memorable now.<br />
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I lost 50 pounds following The South Beach Diet. For the first month I didn't exercise at all. I was too fat and had no energy. After the first month I was ready to work out, but embarrased to go to the gym, so I bought Jillian Michaels Shred and worked out 20 minutes a day at home. On Saturdays I went on a 2 mile hike through the woods. I bought "Just Dance" for the wii. After a month or two I joined the YMCA gym and got with a trainer to set me up on an automated program that tracked my progress. For about 4 or 5 months I worked out every single day. Tired or not. The weight was coming off little by little and slowly my clothes were getting bigger. There were weeks I gained - always less than a pound - and I didn't get discouraged. I'd try harder the next week. <br />
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In June I started a new job that required a lot of hours and no time for the gym. I was eating out here and there and trying to work out at home. 2 months passed and I had really only maintained my weight. At the end of September I'd gained about 4 pounds and I'd really lost my focus of hardcore "dieting". After much research I decided to try HCG. <br />
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HCG is the hormone pregnant women produce to burn stored fat to provide for their fetus should they not eat enough to provide. I decided to use homeopathic HCG instead of the daily injections to see if it would work. I did the HCG for 7 days and lost 9.8 pounds. I was planning to do the HCG for the 23 days that I purchased enough drops for, but after the first week I felt like I'd lost enough to get me focused on losing again the right way. Lots of people have asked me how I liked HCG, so I will tell you. <br />
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I am not advocating HCG for long term weight loss. I truly believe that the ONLY way to get fit and stay that way is through a nutritious diet and lots of exercise. However, when I was at a plateau, HCG worked great for me. I took the drops under my tongue three times a day and only ate 500 calories. Yes, 500 is low, and your body will starve at 500 without HCG, but with HCG, you lower your calories so that your brain will be triggered to burn stored fat to provide energy. For the one week I used the drops and only ate 500 calories I felt fabulous. I had tons of energy (think of the nesting stage when your pregnant) and I was not hungry. I had no headaches, no mood swings, no dizzy spells, no nausea. No adverse effects at all. I definitely could have followed the 23 day plan, but for me, easier didn't feel as rewarding as kicking ass at the gym. <br />
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I am now in the 150's. I am in a size 10 jean and a medium shirt. I've lost a whole shoe size. My wedding ring is about to fall off. And I feel better at 30 than I have felt in probably 10 years. <br />
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I want to say also that I do spend a lot of time talking about my wieght loss. Mostly on Facebook. I am not bragging at all. If it comes off that way, I'm sorry. For a long time I used FB as a way to stay accountable for my wieght loss. If I had to post my loss I had to work out hard. Now, I am just really proud of what I've accomplished and I really want to be an example to everyone that wants to lose wieght. I never thought I'd succeed at it, but I have, and I want anyone who is friends with me to know that they can do it too. And I'm here if you want to talk about it or ask advice or get recipes or work out together. It is hard, but I mean it, if I can do it, you can do it!!Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-61740194085492207432011-07-30T10:11:00.000-04:002011-07-30T10:11:01.387-04:00Pushy PeopleLast week I bought a new phone after 3 years of having the same one. I am a firm believer that if it ain't broke don't fix it. So while all of these awesome phones have come out that can turn off your tv at home while you're on vacation in Alaska, or allow you to skype with people across the world, I still had my sucky phone from 2008. While in the store the salesgirl kept trying to get me to get accessories. Blinged out phone plates (hello, I'm 30, not 8), home phone chargers (I don't need a second one), car chargers (I can buy one at the gas station for $6), insurance (on a $50 phone? I've never messed up a phone before, I think I'll take my chances) Transferring my numbers from the old phone to the new one for $10 (shit, my fingers work, I'll transfer them myself). I declined all over and over until finally her manager said "yooou cheap girl". I looked at her and calmly said, "while I may not spend money on inconsequential shit, I am sure I have more money in the bank than you". The girls were both nice at first but when I wouldn't buy into their strong arm sales tactics, they got nasty with me.<br />
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This got me thinking about other pushy people. It's not just salesmen. It's also converts. Let me give you a few examples.<br />
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A few years ago my lovely sister who smoked for many years stopped smoking. At that point she's become the most intolerant person of cigarettes that I know. I actually call her "the smoking Nazi". She cannot stand the smell of smoke and she's very vocal about it. Since she was able to quit the whole world should too. While she's probably right she's very strong in her open hate for all things tobacco, which can make some of us (ahem, ME) seem like losers for smoking. <br />
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I too <em>could </em>be pushy. Since I've lost weight and I've stuck with it for many months now, I find myself holding back telling people they should start losing. I never want to be "the weight loss Nazi" but I do see how tempting it is to be one. It's hard when people ask me "how did you lose it" and I see the disappointment in their face and hear it in their voice when I say "diet and exercise". Some of these people want it SO BAD, but are NOT willing to put the work in. I've invited countless ladies to come work out with me or offered to loan them a copy of the book I read to get started on my journey and they ALWAYS turn me down. At that point I could go on some tangent about "putting in the work to get the results" but I always refrain. I remember before I started my diet, I knew I was a huge fat ass but I still continued eating. I couldn't do it before I was ready to, for myself, and that is what keeps me from being a diet pusher.<br />
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Finally, there is one other category of pushy that I notice on a regular basis. Converts to other religions. I guess a convert is new to the religion so its at the forefront of their mind. Whereas if you were brought up Christain or Muslim, it's just a part of you. Newbies are learning and excited and want to share everything they're learning with others. Unfortunately, they are also very pushy. Their incessant talk about their new found religion is sometimes off putting and I've actually had to discontinue being friends with certain people because they can make snide comments if you don't want to believe in what they believe in (even if they've only believed in it for a few weeks). <br />
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So in summary, salesmen are the WORSE, but there are certain things, we as people in our regular lives should be aware of. We have to know that just because we believe something doesn't make it the right way for everyone, and even if its a situation of "if I can do it you can do it", doesn't mean people are READY to do it. We have to accept people for who they are whether they smoke, are fat, or are of a different religion. I have to remind myself of that every time I want to go on and on about how "you're gonna kick yourself for not starting sooner once you realize how easy and rewarding it is" I've finally reserved myself to being there for people if they want to know about my weight loss, but not pushing dieting on them. People will find it inside of themselves to find whats right for them, including religion, so we have to stop trying to force people to agree with us and just be there for them when they need us.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-65348258322404703012011-07-17T10:42:00.000-04:002011-07-17T10:42:50.153-04:00Let's Forgive Casey AnthonySince the verdict, the media has been full of stories about her safety. Full of stories of people that want to marry her, kill her, torture her. Full of articles asking how she could have gotten off. Full of speculation about where life will take her now as one of the most hated people in the United States, if not the world. <br />
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One category of story I can't understand is "Forgive Casey Anthony". I read an article that asked the question, "Will hating Casey bring Caylee back"? Why no, it won't, but neither will forgiving her. This story has captivated a nation for three years. It angered a nation when a woman did not even tell authorities her daughter was missing for 31 days. It angered us even more when we found out she was entering wet t-shirt contests and partying during this 31 day period. It brought the anger to a whole new level when we heard there were searches for chloroform on her computer. When there was a dead body stench in her car trunk. And finally the anger was brought to a level that cannot be explained when Caylee's remains were found with duct tape and a heart sticker across the mouth. <br />
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During the trial, there were talks that she could get off due to all of her changing stories. That they only had to prove reasonable doubt. I, along with the bulk of the nation, believed this case was a slam dunk. When the jury deliberated, they'd surely come back with a big fat GUILTY. As we all know now, that's the opposite of what happened, and today, Casey Anthony is a free woman. <br />
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If you feel like you could forgive this woman, go ahead, but please do not expect the majority of the world to forgive her. I am not too proud to admit that I am not that good of a person. I don't think people that kill their babies should be forgiven. Not by me, not by you, not by God. I believe people who hurt babies should eternally rot in hell, and in the interim, should live a tortured life here on earth. <br />
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If I heard tomorrow that she was killed, would I be happy? Probably not, just because I don't celebrate death. But would I feel sorry for her? No. I do actually believe in an eye for an eye, and if you kill your kid and get off by a technicality, then you will get what you deserve another way. Call me a bad Christian if you want because I choose to not forgive someone that killed their baby and lied, lied, lied about it for 3 years. Some offenses, in my opinion, are just not forgivable. <br />
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This woman will not go away. I don't give it long before we find her back in jail or dead. I don't think there is any possibility in the world for her to live a normal life, and she doesn't deserve one anyway, so when the day comes and she gets real judgement - from God, for that, I will be releived.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-54534079595908627582011-07-02T11:07:00.001-04:002012-04-15T21:37:05.555-04:00Put In The Work Now, Reap The Benefits LaterI am extremely happy with my new job. I've been on information overload for the past two weeks though. I have a huge three ring binder with notes upon notes upon notes. My job requires a lot of attention to detail and I have to learn the way this company does everything. I'm not complaining though, I know I am going to love this job. I've done everything expected of me at other companies, so I just need to get familiar with my current company's policies and procedures. I am currently feeling much like a new relationship feels. You're very excited and nervous. You're trying to learn everything you can, you're on your best behavior, but what you really are looking forward to is the comfortable stage. When you REALLY know the other person, and you can just be yourself, and you know exactly what to do and when to do it. I'm looking forward to when I can run the office and not consult my giant book of notes.<br />
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I've worked around 50 hours a week both weeks, and that probably won't be changing any time soon. Unfortunately the Office Managers prior to me just wanted to reap the benefits of the job without putting in the work it requires, so I've stepped into a situation where I am putting out more fires than anything. Finding a customer file requires nothing short of an hours worth of digging and finally just praying for it to appear before your eyes. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Customers have been ignored, organization has been ignored, proper procedures have been ignored. No longer though. I fully intend on making my branch of this company a model.<br />
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Right now my office is in the spotlight. I am in the spotlight. Unfortunately for five years corporate has seen Office Manager after Office Manager fail in my branch. I cannot understand why though. The job is straight forward, the work is for the most part clear. The management is great, corporate provides a lot of support, so I can only assume that in the past they've just hired the wrong person for the job. I have a lot of proving myself to a lot of people in the near future, and that's ok. I love a challenge, and I love kudos for a good job. I am expecting that in the near future. <br />
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So for now I will put in those 50 hour weeks, and smile the entire time, because in a few months, my office will be running smoothly and I can work regular 40 hour weeks and not have a worry about if work will be effected negatively. I am so thankful for this opportunity and I am just looking forward to getting to the comfortable stage of this relationship.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-36917345468645961882011-06-26T20:56:00.000-04:002011-06-26T20:56:03.687-04:00Another One, or Two, Opens...A few posts ago, I wrote about losing my job. Looking forward to finding new opportunities and staying positive. Four weeks after being "let go", things started changing for me. <br />
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I sent out what seemed like thousands of resumes. Applying for jobs that were farther than I'd really like to travel, and for jobs I knew people with more experience were also trying to get. I applied through Careerbuilder, Monster, Indeed, Craigslist, and company websites. I filled out dozens of applications and aptitude tests.<br />
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One week after becoming unemployed I applied for a job that was just a few miles from my house. I went on the interview and felt like it went GREAT. The next day I found out I didn't get the job. I was pretty sad because I felt like that job was perfect for me, but I didn't let it get me down, I continued with my search. Two weeks later I interviewed for another company about 10 miles from my house I also found through Craigslist. The interview went pretty good and I was called in for a second interview. That afternoon I was offered the job. The job was set to start two weeks later on June 20. I was disappointed at the salary offered, but knew I couldn't hold out for more money in this economy. The company seemed fantastic and all was set to go for me to start on the 20th.<br />
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Three days later, I got a call from the first company telling me the person they hired didn't work out and they'd like to offer me the job, starting on June 20th. I quickly accepted because the position seemed to fit me better and I really felt in the interview that this was the job I was meant to have. I turned around and called the other company and regretfully told them I was afraid I would have to rescind my acceptance of the job. They were so nice about it and told me if anything changed with the job offer, to call them, because they'd love to have me on their team. I wished them the best of luck in finding someone that was as excited to work there as I was.<br />
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I was flown up to Pennsylvania for training for my new position, and after one day, I knew this was the company that I was meant to work at. I love the actual work, the environment, and the way the company treats their employees. In preparation for training week, many people from corporate called me to thank me for accepting their offer and to welcome me to the company. They were very efficient in making sure all paperwork was sent to me immediately for payroll and benefit purposes, and I truly felt welcomed and wanted. I felt as if they were treating me like I was doing them a favor for working there, as opposed to acting like they were doing me a favor for employing me.<br />
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I had such a good time in the office when I was training and the girl showing me the ropes was an absolute delight. I couldn't believe just how lucky I was to get a great job with a great company in a great location. It just seems like I am getting what I deserve because I did the right thing. If I learned anything from this experience, it's that, although I got fired for standing up for Muslims (and I would have done the same for Jews, Hindus, or anyone for that matter), and while it was hard to comprehend that, it is ultimately what led me to a job I'm confident I am going to be happy with. <br />
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God is good, and I owe it all to Him.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-39501412859600320052011-06-09T09:02:00.000-04:002011-06-09T09:02:45.381-04:00Things NOT To Say When Someone DiesDeath makes everyone uncomfortable. There is never the perfect thing to say. Some people just don't say anything because they're unable to find the words. Over the years I've heard in person and read on social networking sites, comments people make to friends who've lost loved ones. Brothers, Sisters, Parents, or Children. I think it's in everyones nature to try to ease the pain of the person that is grieving. You want to make them feel better, but we need to realize there is absolutely NOTHING that will make someone stop grieving and say "oh, why didn't I think of that, now I feel better". <br />
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The comments I've seen, I know are of the best intentions, but reading from the outside, seem so cold. You cannot say to a mother who has lost their child "God doesn't make mistakes, it was in His plan", "She's in a better place now", "Everything happens for a reason", "At least you can have more children", "You will see this as a blessing one day", etc.<br />
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As a mother who has been faced with losing their child, I can assure you that pain and fear was NOTHING in comparison to someone who HAS lost their child. Step back for one second before you write that comment and ask yourself, "Would I be thankful right now if God took my child from me"? If you answered anything other than NO, you're lying to yourself. No one cries when people die because they're happy they're in heaven. They cry because they are sad, and they will miss them, and they realize they'll never be able to talk to that person, hug that person, kiss that person, and in some cases see their children grow up..<br />
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Again, I know people say these things to be supportive, but in speaking with a mom who lost her child, I realized that the way I feel about it, others feel about it too. That mom told me when people said things like that to her, she just said thanks, but it honestly just offended her. I assure you, if I ever lose a child, I WOULD let you know just how rude you were being if you told me that he's better off dead, which is essentially what your saying when you say "he's in a better place". To a mother, the best place a child can be is here, now, and with me. No two ways about it. Eventually, you can come to terms with death, and accept that your baby, sibling, or parents have died and may be in heaven, but hold off on those comments until the grieving person mentions it first. <br />
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So you're probably wondering, since I keep talking about what not to say, what I think is acceptable. I am by no means an authority on this. I personally feel like there is absolutely nothing you can say to change how someone is feeling. The first step in dealing with someone who is grieving, is to validate what they are feeling. Show that you care. Show you are there for them. Show them that they are NOT alone, no matter how alone they may feel. For instance you can say "I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine the amount of pain that you're in right now. I want you to know that you don't have to be strong right now. Take time to grieve and please know that I am here for you and praying for you and your family. If you ever need to talk to, or cry to, someone, please call me any time of the day or night."<br />
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Let's just learn to be more caring and less cliche...Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-76910603113730836082011-06-05T16:57:00.000-04:002011-06-05T16:57:53.427-04:00Extreme CouponingI'm always looking for ways to save money. I've toyed with couponing before but when Extreme Couponing came on on TLC, I got a renewed interest in <em>really</em> doing it. Seeing that first episode I was shocked at just how much money these people saved. Seriously? Getting $800 worth of groceries for $3? Hell yeah I'm in! <br />
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I started getting the Sunday paper and clipping coupons. I started visiting websites that would show you what coupons to use when. Tricks to save the most money. My first trip I saved $45 dollars, and spent around $80. Not bad. The second week of my couponing adventures is when reality started setting in. There were items that I wanted to get, but couldn't because all of the extreme <strike>hoarders</strike> couponers had been there before me. They were taking every last one of an item, leaving none for those of us that wanted a measly one of them. This wasn't on one item, it was on several. The fun of saving money started to become a fight to get there before the people that needed 78 bottles of mustard, simply because it was free or close to it. <br />
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I came home and after a little questioning on the internet, I realized I wasn't alone in my frustration of not finding any of an item that was on sale. The popularity of this show on TLC is starting to ruin it for us that don't coupon just to get a stockpile of 32 years worth of tampons, and more bbq sauce than an average town could use in a lifetime. 57 bags of croutons? Really? How many different ways can you possibly use a crouton? Buying diapers simply because you *might* have a kid one day? Could you please leave a few of an item on the shelf so that others may partake in the enjoyment of saving a buck or two?<br />
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I asked the cashier at the register just how many people have started extreme couponing in the past few weeks. She shook her head and said "you wouldn't believe the people that come in and get four carts overflowing with only 6 different items". It led me to wonder why there aren't limits set to how many of an item you can buy, or why these extreme couponers aren't calling the store ahead of time to let them know they intend on purchasing every.single. roll of toilet paper in the joint. I'm sure the store could arrange to get an extra truckload in for them. <br />
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I've also asked around to my friends that are couponing about just how much they're saving on things they <strong>actually </strong>use. One rule I've set with couponing is to not purchase anything I wouldn't normally purchase. Most coupons are for junky food that I normally don't bring into my home. On occasion I will buy snacks I wouldn't normally buy, just because they end up being the same price as things I would get, but generally speaking I have only been able to save around $30 - $40 per week. I'm not complaining about that, because that's a large amount of money I've basically been throwing away all of the weeks I didn't clip coupons. <br />
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I think that this show just sets a tone that the normal average family could save like they do, but unless the normal average family has an extra bedroom to turn into a small grocery store, and are willing to stop eating meat (meat rarely, if ever, has coupons) fresh fruits and fresh veggies (same as the meat), then this wouldn't work. And to the people committing coupon fraud and even flaunting it on the show....you're stealing. Plain and simple, stealing. Not saving - STEALING! And now the grocery stores across the country are starting to change their coupon policies which negatively effects those of us that are just trying to get what we need, not what we can stuff under our kids beds or in our attics. <br />
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I will continue to coupon probably for the rest of my life now, but I'd never spend 60 hours a week on it. And on some level, I feel like the people depicted on this show are no different than the people depicted on the other TLC show about hoarders. I believe its some form of mental illness. Not one person I've ever talked to would consider keeping that much stuff in their house, no matter how cheap or free it was. And I sure haven't met anyone who'd consider dumpster diving for coupons acceptable!<br />
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Couponing is a great way to save some cash, and it can definitely be done, but just be realistic and don't expect to save 98% off your grocery bill.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-66045679655127743162011-06-04T22:47:00.000-04:002011-06-04T22:47:22.997-04:00Morocco Featured on US TVThe first show I remember featuring Morocco was Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern. Especially after living there it was fun to see what locations and what foods would be featured. That show was aired shortly after I returned to the US. I figured it'd be one of the last times I'd see a show about Morocco, but I was wrong. <br />
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In 2010, Jessica Simpson had a show on VH1 called "The Price of Beauty" where she traveled to different countries to see what women do to be beautiful. It is always intriguing to me to see how other people see Morocco, and how the Moroccan people are portrayed on TV. I was surprisingly impressed with this episode, other than Jessica showing up to a conservative Muslims house in booty shorts and high heels, but I'm sure that she wasn't trying to be rude, just an oversight.<br />
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Then Americas Next Top Model visited Morocco for their final four episodes of this past season. I actually got to see a different side of Morocco through this show, because obviously, I wasn't really into the fashion scene when I was there, so it was really cool to see how the fashion industry is in Morocco, and the photo shoot in the desert on the camels was just beautiful. <br />
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Most recently, The Real Housewives of NY went to Marrakesh, Morocco. I never watch that show, just because it's too much drama for my taste, but if something is on about Morocco, I can't NOT watch it! I loved seeing them walk through the Jmaa El Fna. And the one girls description of walking through the souk and having "sensory overload" is so true. There is really no other way to describe it. When you walk through and you see all of these vibrant colors, and you smell all of the different aromas coming from the grills in the middle of the square, and you feel all of the silks and the woven rugs - it's just a lot to take in at once. Then you see the monkeys and the snake charmer and you feel excited and then scared when the monkey jumps on your head! You hear the men playing their drums and the whole experience just takes over you! The two episodes of RHONY that I watched actually made me miss Morocco the most. I assume because they were seeing it as tourists and were there for a vacation. But one thing I want to make clear to anyone who read my old blog about Morocco. The hammam they visited is more spa-like than the REAL hammam. A hammam like they went to is luxurious and more than likely very expensive. It's geared toward tourists, as very few, if any, actual Moroccans visit hammams like that. <br />
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Coming in June there is a new show on ABC called Expedition Impossible: Kingdom of Morocco. I am very excited about this show. Mostly because it's going to highlight some of Morocco's different terrain. From the commercial I know they'll be in the Sahara, but I'm also assuming they'll be doing some activities in the Atlas Mountains as well. I'm sure I will see parts of Morocco I've never seen and it's going to be exciting!! <br />
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I'm so happy that Morocco is becoming a go-to place for TV. There have been a lot of Movies filmed in Morocco, but now that TV is starting to focus on the country, I'm sure more people will be intrigued and inclined to visit there. The more tourists, the more money, and the better for the country's economy. Anything that's bringing a positive light to the country I fell in love with 4 years ago, and now consider my second home, is OK with me.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-49060086793431753992011-06-02T21:31:00.000-04:002011-06-02T21:31:22.427-04:00When One Door Closes.....I recently lost my job. In this economy and the small pool of jobs available, most people would not be taking it as good as I am. I lost my job due to no fault of my own. I went in everyday, often times putting work ahead of my family. I've always felt a real responsibility to do a great job at whatever task is at hand. Whether I'm enjoying it or not. I've always made a great effort to have a smile on my face and push through the day positively regardless of what may be going on in my personal life. I've proven myself time and time again as a loyal, committed, conscientious, and hardworking employee, so when I lost my job for standing up for my family (respectfully) when disparaging remarks were made about them (Muslims), I was shocked. <br />
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When I came home and told my husband, he was so supportive of me. He told me other opportunities would present themselves to me and that while the job was paying the bills, the environment in which I worked was eating away at my soul for two and half years. He said that I deserved better, and that I would receive better. I realized that he was right. And somewhere inside I already knew that, but it was so comforting coming home and hearing him tell me that everything is going to be OK. <br />
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I've been looking for a job now for a few weeks. Like I said earlier, the pool of jobs is small, so I don't expect to find something right away. I will continue to send resumes and fill out applications for as long as it takes, but after a week, I realized that what I want to do is write. I have a great story to tell, and I just need to get it on paper. I feel confident that I will find a job. A great job that I will love, but I feel that the real door that is opening for me is the opportunity to work on my book. The last four years of my life have been a rollercoaster. Good and bad, but all of the bad has made me appreciate the good, so I'll take it! I just haven't had much free time to work on writing. Now I do, and if I don't utilize this time, I will regret it. <br />
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For now, I'm loving hanging out with my kids. I get to see my husband more often, I get to cook special meals that take to long on a normal work day to prepare. I get to spend more time at the gym. I get to do things I WANT to do. At the moment, I am looking at this time as a vacation to revitalize myself. So at the end of the day, I guess I am thankful for what happened. Obviously there are negatives to the situation, but if I dwell on those, I will sit at home worried and feeling sorry for myself. The positives are that I can go to sleep at night knowing that I did everything I could to be a great employee, and that without losing my job, I wouldn't find the great job I'm going to get soon, and I wouldn't be able to get my book going. <br />
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I once read a post secret (<a href="http://www.postsecret.com/">www.postsecret.com</a>) that said something to the effect of "I still think I'm going to accomplish something GREAT in my lifetime.....and I'm already 54". That one secret inspires me. It reminds me that while I may be accomplished as a mom and a wife - career wise, I have so much more to prove and I will never stop striving to accomplish something GREAT in this lifetime, even if it takes me the next 30 years.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-6850473534038001442011-06-01T18:47:00.000-04:002011-06-01T18:47:04.739-04:00Losing a Chubby ToddlerActually, I didn't really lose a chubby toddler, I've lost the equivalent to one. I've lost just about 40 pounds over the past 5 months, I will know the actual figure on Saturday when I weigh in, but close enough to claim it! I've also lost around 46 inches. That is almost 4 feet of fat gone! I am very very proud of myself because I've been overweight for a long time. Well, I'm still overweight now, but I am still going to the gym regularly and eating a healthy diet, so I'm going to continue moving in the right direction. That direction is my ultimate goal of losing 72 lbs. It seemed almost unattainable in January when I started this path, but now that I only have only 32 pounds to go, I can see the finish line. <br />
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I don't have workout buddies. When I go to the gym, I rarely ever talk to anyone. I'm very focused on getting done what I need to do. I have not fallen in love with exercise yet, and it's highly doubtful I ever will, but I do see the necessity in it and I can tell when I've not worked out for a day or two, my body craves the exercise, although my mind hates it! I think it'd be easier if I had a friend to keep me on track, a friend who I could work out with and we could keep each other accountable. I do have a couple of friends online that are going through this journey as well and we like to update each other with where we are. It's so encouraging to see others succeeding in getting healthy with me.<br />
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For now my motivation comes not only from within, because honestly, sometimes I need a push. I watch weight loss shows and get motivation. I think about contestants on the biggest loser who are 700 pounds and running on the treadmill. I think about people on Heavy who've lost half of their body weight by being focused and working hard. I've watched Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition, and seeing what a transformation these people can make in just a year really inspires me to keep going. <br />
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I will never pretend that I have all the answers, because I don't. I have bad days and days I am just sick and tired of working out and eating healthy. Sometimes I want a piece of cake. On those days I have a BITE of cake, and then move on. I've finally come to realize that screwing up once, doesn't blow all of the work I've put in and I can start from the next meal doing it right again. At this point I've put in a lot of effort and I won't give up.<br />
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I love giving tips to people about the things that worked for me. But not all of us are the same, so I can just offer encouragement for what they're doing. And then there are those people that aren't ready to lose weight. Sometimes I find myself holding back from telling them that it's hard but it's doable...the time is NOW! I know that nagging someone to lose weight is counterproductive. But now that I've finally gotten it together, I want to kick myself for not starting sooner. Because now I know I can do it. I have the willpower to change my habits. I want to share that with everyone. It is inside of all of us to change our lives for the better.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-17052686717777759292011-05-31T11:22:00.000-04:002011-05-31T11:22:48.489-04:00Kefta Mkawra (Moroccan Meatball Tagine)<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">I like to throw in a recipe now and then on the blog. Recipes you probably wouldn't have tried without someone telling you how good it is. One of my husbands favorite meals is Kefta. I don't make it often but it is really good, and fairly easy, so I thought I'd share it. I took pics, but only of the end product. I may take pics as I'm preparing it next time....</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">(This recipe is from About.com, with a few minor changes of my own)</div><h3 id="rI">Ingredients:</h3><div class="ingredient"><u><strong> For the Meatballs</strong></u></div><ul><li class="ingredient">1 lb. ground beef </li>
<li class="ingredient" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1 medium onion, chopped VERY fine</li>
<li class="ingredient" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">2 teaspoons paprika</li>
<li class="ingredient" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1 teaspoon cumin</li>
<li class="ingredient" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1 teaspoon salt</li>
<li class="ingredient" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon</li>
<li class="ingredient" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1/4 teaspoon pepper</li>
<li class="ingredient" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1//8 teaspoon ground hot pepper</li>
<li class="ingredient">1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley</li>
<li class="ingredient">1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro</li>
</ul><div class="ingredient"><strong><u>For the Tomato Sauce</u></strong></div><ul><li class="ingredient">2 cans diced tomatoes (you can use fresh tomatoes if you prefer, about 2 lbs)</li>
<li class="ingredient">1 medium onion, very finely chopped </li>
<li class="ingredient">1 1/2 teaspoons paprika</li>
<li class="ingredient">1 1/2 teaspoons cumin</li>
<li class="ingredient">1 1/2 teaspoons salt</li>
<li class="ingredient" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">1/2 teaspoon hot paprika or 1/4 teaspoon ground hot pepper</li>
<li class="ingredient">3 tablespoons finely chopped fresh parsley</li>
<li class="ingredient">3 tablespoons finely chopped fresh cilantro</li>
<li class="ingredient">3 cloves garlic, pressed</li>
<li class="ingredient">1/4 cup olive oil</li>
<li class="ingredient">---------------------------------</li>
<li class="ingredient">3 or 4 eggs </li>
</ul><h3 id="rP">Preparation:</h3><div class="instructions" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><h3>Start Cooking the Tomato Sauce</h3>Put the two cans of tomatoes in the blender and give them a rough blend, if you're using fresh tomatoes<br />
Peel, seed and chop them OR cut the tomatoes in half, seed them and grate them.<br />
Mix the tomatoes, onions and the rest of the sauce ingredients in the base of a tagine or in a large, deep skillet. Cover, and bring to a simmer over medium heat. <i>(Note: If using a tagine, place a diffuser between the tagine and burner, and allow 10 to 15 minutes for the tomato sauce to reach a simmer.)</i> <br />
Once simmering, reduce the heat to medium-low, just enough heat to maintain the simmer but low enough to avoid scorching. Allow the tomatoes to cook for at least 15 to 20 minutes before adding the meatballs.<br />
<h3>Make the Kefta Meatballs </h3><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Combine all of the kefta ingredients, using your hands to knead in the spices and herbs. Shape the kefta mixture into very small meatballs the size of large cherries – about 3/4 inch in diameter.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Add the meatballs to the tomato sauce, along with a little water – 1/4 cup is usually sufficient – and cover. Cook for about 30 minutes, or until the sauce is thick.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Break the eggs over the top of the meatballs, and cover. Cook for an additional 7 to 10 minutes, until the egg whites are solid and the yolks are partially set. Serve immediately.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">Kefta Mkaouara is traditionally served from the same dish in which it was prepared, with each person using crusty <a href="http://www.blogger.com/od/breadandrice/r/Wheat_bread.htm"><span style="color: #3366cc;">Moroccan bread</span></a> for scooping up the meatballs from his own side of the dish.</div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Gotta give my husband credit for making his incredible fresh baked bread:</div><br />
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</div></div><!--/gc-->Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-17242053405810751342011-05-29T16:37:00.000-04:002011-05-29T16:37:59.893-04:00Walking Around NakedSometimes in the afternoon while my son is napping, I have nothing better to do than watch Tyra. Usually, I can't stand to watch her show as she, in my opinion, is the absolute worse talk show host in history. Not that I don't like her, I watch America's Next Top Model and she is engaging, I just don't like her way of interviewing people. She has a tendency to turn every single subject into something about her. You could mention that you like to eat bugs and she'll have a story about when she was in Bangkok on one of her supermodel photo shoots she ate a grasshopper. You could be a one legged ninja, and she'd talk about this one time when she had a sleepover when she was seven and they tied her leg up and she had a sword fight with her girlfriends. Sometimes there is just stuff you can't relate to, and that's ok. A good interviewer doesn't try to put themselves in the place of the interviewee, they try to understand through a line of questioning. I don't think she gets that, but....I'm getting off track. <br />
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Last week a topic on her show was parents that walk around their houses naked in front of their children. To the right of Tyra was a line of women who thought it was completely normal, to the left a line of women who thought it was disgusting. They started with the women that thought it was fine and they cut to home video of one of the women. She was walking around her apartment completely naked. She was cooking naked (OH MY GOD) and she was sitting at the dinner table on the computer naked. Her daughter, who was around 7 or 8 was there. She and her daughter were walking down an imaginary catwalk naked. Her argument as to why she does it, "It gives my daughter self confidence. She will be comfortable with her body because I am comfortable with mine". Ummmm......I am all for teaching your daughter to be accepting of their bodies. To be aware of their bodies. But is it really necessary to be NAKED in order to teach these lessons? <br />
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I have a good friend who has no qualms about being naked in front of her kids. Do I think she's a bad mom? Nope. But I also don't think that she's a good mom simply because she's comfortable being naked. And she doesn't do it regularly or to make a stand against prudes or to teach her kids to love their bodies. She just doesn't mind if one of her kids sees her coming out of the shower. She doesn't freak out and grab a towel and run (like I would). This, I don't have a problem with. Intentionally being naked ALL THE TIME, sitting on your couch, cooking food and sitting where people eat, well that's just unsanitary!<br />
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I didn't grow up in a house where it was acceptable to be naked. You covered up. My mom locked the door when she went to the shower. I do the same. My kids have never seen me naked. Maybe its different because I have boys? I don't know, but I would never intentionally be naked in front of them. I don't want to scar them for life anyway!<br />
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I think that as parents we do lead by example, but there are some life lessons that don't need an example as detailed as the one this woman was giving to her child. You can be comfortable in your skin - with clothes on. You can teach your daughters to be confident - with clothes on. You can teach your kids to love themselves - with clothes on! I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must be for the kids subjected to their parents constant nakedness. Maybe not now since they're so young, but as they get older and see that this is not the "norm" in most households, it's going to get increasingly awkward for them. <br />
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By walking around in clothes you're teaching your kids modesty. And to me that is a trait you'd want your daughter (or son) to have. Just because you don't flaunt it doesn't mean you're not accepting of it. Just because you got it, doesn't mean everyone has to see it. That is a more important lesson in my opinion. You can teach your kids to be confident and love and respect themselves with words. And with actions such as wearing clothes and still being confident yourself.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-71916730757181326792011-05-29T11:58:00.000-04:002011-05-29T11:58:43.451-04:00Let me help you with saving money!!!In an effort to save money due to the recent loss of my job, I've turned to couponing. Every week I scour the internet for deals. Not only on grocery store items, but other things myself and my family needs as well. Just because I'm not working doesn't mean my kids stop needing clothes, shoes, and toys. It doesn't mean I stop needing things from The Home Depot to fix small things around the house. I've written before about different ways to cut corners, but recently I've found a website that has helped me out with coupon codes for my online purchases, and so I thought I'd share! It's <a href="http://www.couponchief.com/">www.couponchief.com</a> <br />
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Couponchief.com has a list of stores that offer shopping online, and they include a coupon code to enter during checkout. Whether it be 10% off, free shipping, or $20 off your full order, there are several to choose from for each store. And these aren't stores you'd never shop at. These are huge nationwide stores. Best Buy, Old Navy, Sears, Lane Bryant, Wal-mart, etc. Even better, they have discount codes for hotels, rental cars, and even cruises! If you're looking for something in particular, you can search the site for the store you want to shop at, and then it will list all of the coupons available and the success rate for each coupon. I would suggest considering purchasing something online that you've found in the store, just to get the discount. It could save you a good amount of money!<br />
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I've used this site a few times and it's definitely helped me to save money. I check back regularly, because new coupons are shared often. I recommend stopping by <a href="http://www.couponchief.com/">www.couponchief.com</a> before your next online purchase!Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-35101901904453211442011-05-03T23:08:00.000-04:002011-05-03T23:08:57.765-04:00The Most Wanted Man in the WorldThere are a few days in my life that I will remember every detail to. Very few. One of those days occurred almost ten years ago. I was six and a half months pregnant and headed into work. Halfway there I started having contractions and turned around to head to the hospital. I was driving on back country roads and blew through a red light as the contractions were coming just a few minutes apart. I got pulled over and told the cop I thought I was in labor and was headed to the hospital. He told me he'd let me on my way in just a moment...after he wrote the ticket. I told him again I thought I was in labor and he told me to stop yelling at him and he'd be back with a ticket. I waited, got my ticket and sped off to the hospital. <br />
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Once in the hospital, my boss kept calling me to see when I'd be in. I told her I was at the hospital, in labor, and they were in the process of stopping it. Every 5 minutes she called to see when I'd be on my way. After turning my cell phone off, she started calling the hospital. I was on the phone with her when the nurse turned on the TV. The first plane had hit the World Trade Center and the second plane was heading toward the second building. I was 20 and wasn't very worldly. I remember questioning why there were planes hitting buildings. I'd never heard of Al Qaeda, I'd never heard of Osama Bin Laden. I was speechless. I was confused. I was in shock. I was scared for the people inside both of those buildings. <br />
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I, along with most of the country - world, even, was glued to the TV. As every detail and description of what was happening was revealed, another wave of despair for our country washed over me. Watching those buildings collapse...following the gasp of everyone in the room, was complete silence. You could hear a pin drop in that hospital room. The beeps of the machine, the dripping of the IV's - the silence drowned out the random sounds of a hospital room. September 11, 2001. <br />
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In the weeks following I remember people being so nice. Maybe people were extra nice to me because I was huge and pregnant, but I believe that it was due to what happened on that day. I think people felt a need to be nicer, to be more respectful, to kind of stand together as a country. I know that no matter where I went, chatter about 9/11 was, at the very least in the background, if not the main topic of conversation. That day changed a lot of people. That one day changed the world.<br />
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Although there was speculation that Osama Bin Laden was behind it, he didn't actually admit responsibility until a few years later. Being a young mom with a baby with a disability, I have to admit that I wasn't on top of things and how they unfolded. I wasn't a huge supporter of the war, but I wasn't completely against it either - at first. Over the years, I've learned things that have disappointed me about this war. It's ruined our economy, and its caused unnecessary loss of life to our soldiers who so bravely elected to go fight for us. But I think it's always been a priority to bring justice to those that were responsible for 9/11. Specifically Osama Bin Laden.<br />
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I woke up on May 2 and the first news I was met with was "OSAMA BIN LADEN KILLED" on msn.com. I didn't jump for joy. I didn't scream, I didn't dance. I did feel relief. I felt that there would be some closure for the families of those who died in the twin towers. But I also felt assured that this was NOT the end of Al Qaeda. This is not the end of terrorism. This is not the end of anything. If anything, supporters of Bin Laden will be inclined to retaliate. Bombing innocent civilians will become a priority throughout the world. I was a bit ashamed of the way the news showed people across our country chanting and celebrating death. I felt like it made us look no better than the people who celebrated and chanted in the streets when those two buildings collapsed. We can be relieved. We can feel closure. But death is death. Good or bad people, it's still death and shouldn't be celebrated. I hope more than anything that his death will maybe make Al Qaeda weaker, but honestly I doubt it. <br />
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I am glad that he's no longer an issue for our country. I am glad that justice was served. Everyone who commits a crime should be punished. He, for many years, had been very vocal in his hate toward Americans. He encouraged people to kill Americans, even innocent civilians. He was an evil man. Whatever his intentions were, I am happy that he will no longer be a threat. We now have to be prepared for the next in line to take his place. Without a doubt there will always be people who hate America. And Americans. Just because. In a few weeks or months I won't remember the date of Bin Ladens death. It will go down as a memorable day, but not one that was so life changing for me that it reserves a spot in my "forever" memory. <br />
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And for the record, yes, I did have to pay that ticket I got for running a red light en route to the hospital while in labor.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-91519499735195572032011-04-17T15:53:00.059-04:002011-04-17T16:23:01.478-04:00What the hell is wrong with kids these days - AND their parentsToday the weather was beautiful. A nice day for a cookout. To throw the ball around with the kids. While I caught up on some housework the kids were outside with their dad, playing football. I saw 4 kids come in the yard and were playing with Cain. I went on about my indoor work while they enjoyed playing. A few minutes later everyone came in and my husband explained that the boys were ganging up on Cain, calling him stupid, several tackling him at once, and slamming him into the woody/rocky area at the edge of our yard. Cain was scratched up and my husband yelled at the kids and sent them away. <br />
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A few minutes later, Cain said "where's my football mom, I put it right there." I told him to go look around the yard, in the woods, and in his room before he assumed someone stole it. After both of us searching, I realized it was not here and those boys took it. I got in my car and drove around the neighborhood looking for them, as I didn't know their names, or where they lived. These were not kids Cain had ever played with before. I circled around and didn't see the kids, but Cain said he knew where one lived. I drove with Cain to the house where an older woman was sitting on the porch, and a 20-something man was just walking out.<br />
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I stopped the young man and asked, "does a young boy live here?" He seemed hesitant to answer, but said "yuh". I explained, "I'm not sure if its the boy who lives here or not, but there were several boys playing in my yard, they got too rough, we asked them to leave, and now my sons football is missing" He said, "yuh". I said, "well, would you mind going and checking to see if he has it", he looked annoyed and walked inside. Two minutes later he came out and had the football in his hand and tossed it to me. Didn't say anything, nor did the older lady on the porch. I said, "maybe you should take this opportunity to talk to the boy about not stealing" he replied with, "yuh". With the blatant disregard, I let him know that if anything like this ever happened again, I wouldn't be so cool about it, and I would call the cops. "Keep the boy off my property".<br />
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By this time there were around 15 boys ranging from 6 to 14ish standing around laughing. I asked them if they thought stealing was funny. They said "yuh, dis funny". I said, "son, how would you feel if someone walked into your yard, and stole your stuff", "aww nah man, it'd be a fight". I said, "look, stealing is wrong, and sitting back laughing about people stealing is no better, God does NOT like ugly". They apologized and went on their way. An hour later, the kids who stole the ball were hanging out in the street - unsupervised - again. <br />
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If the situation was flipped and Cain stole something - ANYTHING - from ANYONE, not only would Cain be apologizing to the person he stole from, he'd more than likely get spanked (and I never hit my kids), along with being grounded from EVERYTHING for a month. Cain knows this, so he wouldn't even consider taking something that wasn't his. I would be mortified if someone came to my home and said my kid stole something. I sure as hell wouldn't sit there nonchalantly, as if nothing had happened. <br />
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This leads me to wonder how people live like this? You just go through life and don't give a second thought as to where your kids are and what they're doing? Most of the kids in our neighborhood are unsupervised in the street from age 4. I've had to yell at kids for darting behind my car when I'm backing out of my driveway. For not moving when people are driving down the street. I don't even know these kids, its not my responsibility to get onto them, yet I do it, because I don't want them run over. <br />
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I just wish more parents would take responsibility for their children. I wish that they would teach them right from wrong, supervise them, and guide them to do the right thing. My kids are NOT perfect. I am NOT a perfect mom. I make mistakes, and they make mistakes, but I know that my kids know right from wrong and they know the consequences of their actions. If a child doesn't KNOW that he'll get punished for _______, he will not care. He will act as he wants to and think about the consequence later. I have high expectations for my sons lives. I just wish every parent would realize that THE most important job they'll ever do in their lives, is raise their kids.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5505997473163254095.post-12500253538339723722011-04-10T10:20:00.000-04:002011-04-10T10:20:45.412-04:00Why not just become a Muslim?In a discussion regarding a Christian woman married to a Muslim man, accepting her children being raised as Muslims, the following question was asked:<br />
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" how strongly can one believe in their professed faith if they are willing to raise their children in a faith that has a <span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show">HUGE difference? If you don't believe strongly enough in Christianity to be sure to raise your kids as believers in it but maybe you find Islam acceptable why not just become Muslim?" </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">This was not directed or asked of me, however, I am in this exact situation and I thought it was a valid question. I can see how a Muslim woman wouldn't understand my reasoning for allowing this or accepting it. I will offer a little into the way I see it....</span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">Before I offer my views on it, for anyone that isn't clear what the HUGE difference is, let me explain. Islam and Christianity are pretty similar on many levels. Many of the stories in the Koran and The Bible are the same. However, Christians believe Jesus is the son of God. Muslims believe Jesus is a prophet, not the son, and that Muhammad was the last prophet. Obviously, there are other differences as well, but that would be the main difference. Since Christianity is based on the belief that Jesus is the son of God, it would basically mean that since Muslims do not, they are unbelievers. Since Christians do believe Jesus is the son of God and that Muhammad was not a prophet, it would basically make Christians unbelievers. The Koran does not say to hate Christians, quite the opposite. They are allowed to marry both Christians and Jews because we are people of the book.</span><br />
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Now, on to why I am accepting of my children being raised Muslim....<br />
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What I know about Islam, I can respect. Can I believe it for myself? Not right now. Why not? Well, I truly believe we are a product of our environment. If I were born into a Muslim family, without a doubt, I would be Muslim. If a Muslim were born into a Christian family, I believe, without a doubt they would be Christian. For me, the past 30 years, I've believed that Jesus is the son of God. It's hard to NOT believe that, which is what I would have to do to convert. It's hard to un-believe what you've been taught for 30 years, and I'm not sure there is a reason for me to. Obviously, it would be much easier for me to be a Muslim, as my husband is, and my children are. But easier isn't always better, in my opinion. <br />
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So if I'm not sure Islam is the truth, why would I allow my children to be raised as Muslims? Well, I'm probably the minority here, but I don't think that only ONE religion gets to heaven. I do not believe I have a better chance than my husband or my other Muslim friends, simply because I'm Christian. My husbands faith is something I envy. My husband worships God faithfully. He lives his life in a respectable way. He prays probably more than most Christians. He studies the Koran. But I don't think he has a better chance than me to get to heaven simply because he's a Muslim either. Maybe he does because he's more devout than I am, but not because of WHAT he believes. <br />
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On a religious scale, of the two of us, my husband is MUCH more religious than I am. So knowing that, it is better for my children to have that parent to learn from. He leads by example, and he is passionate about Islam. He likes talking about it. He loves telling stories from the Koran. He looks forward to teaching the kids about Islam. I, on the other hand, don't enjoy any conversations about religion. I would never take the time to sit and make sure my children are religious. Believe in God? Yes. Religious? No. <br />
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So what about getting into heaven? I think if my children follow my husbands path, they'd have a better chance than following mine. Although I follow the 10 commandments, and I worship God, I do not take the extra steps....like reading the Bible or setting specific times to pray. Taking Islam and Christianity out of the equation....just religiously speaking, my husband is more committed to knowing and serving God than I am. I don't think this makes me a bad Christian (obviously I could be better) but I think it puts my husband in a better position to do any religious teaching in our house. <br />
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I don't have doubt in Christianity, so there is no reason for me to convert to another religion. I find Islam, not only acceptable, but respectable, so there is no reason for me not to want my children to be Muslim. I think I find it fine, just because of my belief that God is SO good, he wouldn't punish people that worshiped him in life, to the best of their ability and knowledge. If Christianity is wrong, God will know that we believed it with the best of what we were taught and we lived good lives worshiping Him. And the same goes for Muslims, they are worshiping God as they were taught. How could they be punished for that? I just cannot comprehend how people think that God would send the majority of the living world to hell. If only one religion gets "in", that would be very sad for me. <br />
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So in summary, for me, it's just about who worships more - not better, or more correctly. To be completely honest there is no way for SURE to know who is RIGHT. We can only BELIEVE, not know. And in this particular case, I don't think that there is one right answer.Nicolehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08773455487003807611noreply@blogger.com3